<p><i>In this deeply personal piece, </i><a href="https://darranbourke.com/"><i>Darran Bourke</i></a><i> — a Tipperary-based funeral singer — reflects on the emotional and spiritual role music plays in helping families navigate grief. Drawing from his own experiences and faith, Darran shares how singing at funerals is far more than a performance; it’s an act of compassion, connection, and care.</i></p><h3>The Practical and the Personal</h3><p>Some people, I feel, look at what I do as being very practical: I turn up, I sing the hymns, I pack up, and I leave. And they’re not entirely wrong. But I would argue there’s also a very spiritual and compassionate side to it. If I only looked at a funeral from a practical standpoint, I wouldn’t be very good at my job. If I can’t put any feeling into what I’m singing, then who in their right mind would hire me?</p><h3>Understanding Grief, One Family at a Time</h3><p>There are a lot of elements to a funeral from a singer’s perspective, a lot of things we need to know, like the <a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/funeral-mass-and-service-readings-formats-and-resources-292">funeral mass and the running order</a> of the service, and so on. To put a personal stamp on each funeral, it’s also essential to know something about the person who has passed, to get to know them a little, and to understand their family.</p><h3>No Two Losses Are the Same</h3><p>You see, everybody is different. Everybody’s grief is different, and grief varies in so many ways; it all depends on the circumstances of a loved one’s passing. For example, sudden death, a tragic ending, a long illness, or an elderly person who’s lived a full life, all of these hurt differently. And then each individual suffers differently. If a man dies leaving behind a wife and children, it’s an entirely different loss for his wife than it is for his children. The only thing that unites them all is that, no matter the age or the circumstance of death, the loss is always big.</p><h3>Bringing Empathy to the Conversation</h3><p>And I think everybody should know that. Everyone should know and understand what a person is most likely to be going through in times of loss. Most of us have been there. For me, as a funeral singer who has also experienced many personal losses, both among friends and family, it has definitely helped me become more understanding and empathetic towards the families I meet during their time of loss. Because I’ve experienced my own loss, I have a sense of theirs.</p><p>It’s given me the understanding that I must make the conversation I’m about to have with a family as stress-free and as gentle as I possibly can. I try to give them the basic information, like the format of the mass and where hymns and songs can be placed, and to find out all I can about the person, which might help me suggest hymns and songs to the family.</p><h3>Listening and Responding in the Moment</h3><p>There are often times when a family is happy to just trust my judgement when it comes to choosing the hymns and songs. Because of this, I always listen to the words of the priest and his perspective, and I listen to the <a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/how-to-write-a-eulogy-a-guide-to-creating-a-meaningful-tribute-290">eulogy,</a> as it might often lead me to change direction when it comes to choosing hymns or coming up with appropriate song ideas. </p><p>Then, on the day of the funeral, it’s just about being there in the moment, giving everything of myself to that soul and to the <a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/poems-and-verses-for-remembering-loved-ones-ripie-291">family who mourn</a>.</p><h3>Faith, Compassion, and the Power of Song</h3><p>I have a deep faith in my Christian beliefs, so for me personally, when it comes to singing at a funeral, I’m singing to praise God and to pray for the soul who lies before Him in song, so that they may enter His Heavenly Kingdom. I’m also singing in prayer to give comfort and strength to the family who mourns.</p><p>I have also sung at a handful of secular funerals—though I don’t get that many—but while the format is different, the empathy and the compassion are the very same. Because again, while I can’t possibly comprehend an individual’s grief, I can understand what they’re going through.</p><h3>A Lasting Gift</h3><p>I think it was Saint Augustine who said, “He who sings, prays twice.”<br />I believe that it’s one of the most important jobs a singer will ever have the honour of doing: singing for a soul and giving a family some level of solace in their time of need. And while there is a practical end to singing for a funeral, the emotional and spiritual end live on in the hearts of those in mourning.</p><figure class="media"><div data-oembed-url="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDGhl-MKtzY"><div style="position:relative;padding-bottom:100%;height:0;padding-bottom:56.2493%"><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/KDGhl-MKtzY" style="position:absolute;width:100%;height:100%;top:0;left:0" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe></div></div></figure>

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More Than a Voice: The Compassionate Work of a Funeral Singer

<h3><strong>When You Feel Numb Or Disconnected</strong></h3><p>Grief does not always arrive in waves of strong emotions. Sometimes instead of crying or shouting, you may feel very little at all. You might feel like you’re watching life happen at a distance, as though they are going through the motions on autopilot. Some might call it numbness; others might call it emptiness.</p><p>This is the nervous system’s way of protecting you. Just as it can launch into fight or flight when it senses danger or stress, it can also shut down into what’s called the ‘freeze’ response. When experiences become too overwhelming to process, the body can slow down, energy drops and emotions can switch off.</p><p>Numbness can be your body’s attempt to cope but when it lingers, it can bring confusion or even guilt. You may long to feel something, as though you ‘should’ be feeling more but it seems out of reach.</p><h3><strong>One Breath At A Time</strong></h3><p>The way back is not to force feeling, but to gently invite connection back, one small step at a time. Your breath can be a steady companion here. It is always present, always moving. By paying attention to it, you can notice what is already there, helping you bridge the gap between your body and mind.</p><h3><strong>A Grounding Breath, To Gently Reconnect With Yourself</strong></h3><p>This is not about changing your breath, you are simply noticing it, tuning into the steady rhythm of inhales and exhales. The shift may be subtle. Each inhale and exhale becomes a thread of connection allowing a little more presence and reassurance that you are still here.</p><figure class="media"><div data-oembed-url="https://youtu.be/yFJ36MSQbxY?si=04-JwtyzIAjIL9QE"><div style="position:relative;padding-bottom:100%;height:0;padding-bottom:56.2493%"><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/yFJ36MSQbxY" style="position:absolute;width:100%;height:100%;top:0;left:0" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe></div></div></figure><h3><strong>Try This Gentle Breathing Technique</strong></h3><p>To practice this breathing technique, find a place where you feel as comfortable as possible, whether sitting or lying down. Close your eyes or simply soften your gaze. If it is comfortable for you, rest one hand on your chest and one hand on your belly. Feel the surface beneath you holding your weight, steady and supportive and allow your body to settle.</p><p><strong>1. Begin by bringing your attention to your breath. Don't change anything yet, just focus on how your breath is right now in this moment.</strong></p><ul><li>Is it high in your chest or low in your belly?</li><li>Is it quick or is it slow?</li><li>Is it gentle or is it heavy?</li><li>Notice how cool the air feels as you breathe in through your nose and slightly warmer as you breathe out.</li></ul><p><strong>2. Start to gently guide your breath into a smooth rhythm and silently say to yourself: ‘I am breathing in. I am breathing out.’</strong></p><ul><li>Inhale slowly through your nose and low into your belly.</li><li>Exhale slowly through your mouth or nose, whatever feels easy for you.</li><li>Breathing gently with no force or effort.</li></ul><p><strong>3. Let your breath move like waves. Steady and continuous.</strong></p><ul><li>Imagine each inhale is like a wave rolling gently into shore.</li><li>Imagine each exhale is that wave flowing calmly back out to sea.</li></ul><p><strong>4. Notice now how you have created a natural rhythm to your breathing.</strong></p><ul><li>With every gentle exhale, imagine you are breathing out the tension in your body.</li><li>With every inhale, imagine you are breathing in calm and strength.</li></ul><p><strong>5. Breathe like this for a few minutes.</strong></p><ul><li>If your mind drifts, gently return to the words &amp; the movement of your hands as they rise and fall with your breath.</li></ul><h3><strong>Notice What Changes</strong></h3><p>Notice how your body is responding. Perhaps you feel your shoulders relaxing and your belly softening? You may or may not feel different right away. That’s okay. This practice isn’t about forcing feelings to return. It’s about creating a thread of connection, however small. Over time, these moments can remind your body that it is safe enough to soften and reconnect.</p><h3><strong>Your Breath Is Always With You</strong></h3><p>You can return to this practice anytime. You don’t need special equipment, or a long session. Even a few minutes using this technique can make a difference. Your breath is always with you.</p><p>Over time, these moments of calm accumulate, creating more space for you to meet life as it is.</p><p>Your breath won’t erase life’s challenges, but it can remind you that with every inhale and every exhale, you carry a simple, effective tool to help bring your mind and body back from overwhelm to greater ease.</p><h3><strong>A Gentle Reminder</strong></h3><p>Think of these practices as gentle tools you can reach for to support your wellbeing. They don’t replace medical or therapeutic care. Please only do what feels supportive for you, and if anything doesn’t feel right, simply return to your natural breath.</p><p>If you or a loved one is struggling with ongoing or overwhelming distress, I encourage you to reach out to a healthcare or mental health professional for extra support.</p>

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When You Feel Numb Or Disconnected: One Breath At A Time.

<h3>Grief and Responsibility Collide</h3><p>After the unimaginable happens, a farm family is left to process their grief while facing the reality of running a farm business that cannot pause. Embrace FARM offers both practical and emotional support in the aftermath of serious injury or sudden death.</p><p>Referencing their own publication, <i>“What Happens to the Farm Now? A Practical Supports Booklet,”</i> Embrace FARM provides guidance on what steps to take next.</p><h3>A High-Risk Sector with Deep Impact</h3><p>The workplace fatality rate in agriculture is higher than in any other sector in Ireland [<a href="https://teagasc.ie/news--events/daily/farm-safety-addressing-risks-in-irish-agriculture/#:~:text=The%20fatality%20rate%20in%20agriculture%20is%20higher%20than,2023%2C%20with%2016%20of%20those%20from%20farming%20alone.">source].</a> This means that most people in the agricultural community either know a family affected by serious injury or sudden death, or have experienced it themselves.</p><p>When someone dies suddenly within a farm family, it can feel like the entire world is upended. You’re grieving, your family is grieving, and yet the farm must continue. The emotional weight is compounded by the practical demands of daily life and business.</p><h3>Planning Ahead If Possible</h3><p>Ideally, conversations about the future of the farm should happen before a tragedy occurs. These discussions should include:</p><ul><li>The farm and land owner</li><li>Key people involved in day-to-day operations</li><li>Potential heirs or successors</li><li>Any other relevant stakeholders</li></ul><p>Once the situation is understood, it’s important to involve professionals such as:</p><ul><li>Succession planners</li><li>Agricultural solicitors</li><li>Financial or agri-business consultants</li></ul><p>Even if these conversations didn’t happen before your loved one passed, it’s never too late to be transparent with yourself and your family about what comes next.</p><h3>Immediate Practical Needs</h3><p>While long-term planning is essential, there are immediate concerns that need attention:</p><ul><li>Who will manage the day-to-day running of the farm?</li><li>When should you contact a solicitor?</li><li>What legal or financial steps need to be taken?</li></ul><p>It can be overwhelming to know where to begin—both emotionally and practically. Embrace FARM is here to help guide you through those first steps.</p><h3>Tailored Support for Every Situation</h3><p>The support you need will depend on your unique circumstances. A conversation with Embrace FARM can help clarify what’s best for your family and your farm’s future. We’ll connect you with experts who can assist with both practical and emotional needs.</p><p>Embrace FARM also offers a range of publications and resources on grief, loss, and practical support, available at: <a href="https://embracefarm.com/resources/">embracefarm.com/resources</a></p><p><i>Disclaimer: The information in this article is intended as a general guide only. While every care is taken to ensure accuracy of information contained in this article, Embrace FARM or its contributors do not accept responsibility for errors or omissions howsoever arising.</i></p>

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When Tragedy Strikes the Family Farm: What Happens Next?

<p>Grief comes in many forms, and every loss is deeply personal. Yet sometimes, the world around us does not acknowledge our pain. This is called disenfranchised grief — a natural emotional response to loss that is not openly accepted or recognised by others. For those experiencing it, the silence or dismissal can be just as painful as the loss itself.</p><h3>What is Disenfranchised Grief?</h3><p>The term was first defined by grief expert Dr. Kenneth Doka in 1989: <i>“Disenfranchised grief refers to a loss that’s not openly acknowledged, socially mourned, or publicly supported.”</i></p><p>This type of grief often arises when:</p><ol><li>The loss is not considered “important enough” by others.</li><li>The type of loss is stigmatised.</li><li>Some people are seen as not “entitled” to grieve.</li><li>The circumstances of the death are denied.</li><li>The way someone expresses their grief is judged.</li></ol><p>Think of moments when someone says, <i>“I was only their friend,”</i> or <i>“We were divorced, so I shouldn’t feel this upset.”</i> These are powerful examples of how people can minimise their own grief because they feel it doesn’t “count.”</p><p>But here’s the truth: <strong>all grief is valid.</strong></p><h3>Why it Matters</h3><p>When grief is not recognised, it can leave the mourner feeling isolated, unwelcome, or even ashamed of their pain. This can make the grieving process longer and more complicated.</p><p>For those bereaved by suicide, disenfranchised grief can feel especially heavy. Because suicide carries stigma, some may feel that others see their loved one’s death as “less worthy” of sympathy, or that they themselves are “less entitled” to grieve. Whether real or imagined, these feelings can prevent people from seeking the support they need — leaving them to carry their grief alone.</p><p>As one bereaved person shared:</p><blockquote><p><br /><i>“When I lost my friend to suicide, people said, ‘But you weren’t family.’ It made me feel like my grief didn’t matter. But it mattered deeply — it still does.”</i></p></blockquote><h3>Finding a Way Forward</h3><p>If you recognise yourself in this type of grief, know that you are not alone — and your feelings are valid. Some steps that may help include:</p><ul><li>Communicate your needs: Let family and friends know what kind of support helps you most. Often, people want to help but feel unsure of what to say or do.</li><li>Seek safe spaces: A support group can offer relief, connection, and validation by bringing together others who truly understand.</li><li>Professional support: Speaking with a grief therapist can provide guidance in processing difficult emotions.</li><li>Stay connected: Whatever you choose, try not to isolate yourself. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness.</li></ul><p>Grief does not need permission to exist — and neither do you. Every relationship, every bond, and every loss is worthy of being honoured. If you are experiencing disenfranchised grief, know that your pain is real, your love is real, and you are deserving of support and compassion.</p><p>For free, peer-led support after suicide loss, visit <a href="https://hugg.ie/find-support-after-a-suicide/ ">HUGG.ie</a>. </p>

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When Grief Goes Unrecognised: Understanding Disenfranchised Grief

<h3>Living with Death</h3><p>In recent years, the role of a Death Doula has gained recognition as part of a growing movement to bring more compassion, presence, and dignity to our end-of-life experience. Death Doulas journey alongside individuals and their loved ones as they navigate life’s final stage. Our work centres not on curing or treating, but on promoting dignity within the dying process and ensuring no one has to face it alone.</p><h3>What Is a Death Doula?</h3><p>A Death Doula, sometimes called an end-of-life Doula, is a non-medical professional trained to provide emotional, spiritual, and practical support at all stages of an individual’s illness and dying process. While doctors and nurses focus on clinical care, a Death Doula moves through the deeper levels of what it means to face one’s own mortality: fears, regrets, unfinished conversations, and the longing for peace.</p><p>We are present before, during, and sometimes after death, offering connection and calmness in a time that can feel uncertain and overwhelming.</p><h3>A Role That Adapts to Each Family’s Needs</h3><p>The role of a Death Doula can take many forms, depending on the needs of the individual and their family. For some, it may mean guiding legacy projects such as recording life stories, creating memory boxes, or writing letters to loved ones. For others, it could involve facilitating conversations about values, preferences, or how someone wishes to be remembered.</p><p>Doulas may also help with practical tasks: organising paperwork, coordinating with hospice teams, or creating a comforting environment at the bedside. Above all, we serve as a calm presence—listening without judgment, holding space for grief and love, and reminding families that death, while difficult, is also a natural part of life.</p><h3>Supporting Families Through the Unknown</h3><p>For families, the presence of a Death Doula can be profoundly reassuring. Many people enter the dying process unsure of what to expect, what to say, or how to cope. A Doula helps normalise what is happening, explaining signs and changes, and offering guidance on how loved ones can participate meaningfully.</p><p>We encourage open conversations, helping family members share words of gratitude, forgiveness, and farewell before it is too late. By reducing fear and fostering connection, Doulas can often transform what could feel like a time of crisis into a sacred period of closeness.</p><h3>Bringing Death Back Into the Light</h3><p>This work matters because, in our modern culture, death is often hidden away or treated only as a medical event. Many people die in hospitals or nursing facilities, far removed from rituals, community, and the comfort that can make dying less lonely.</p><p>A Death Doula brings focus back to the inevitability of death by helping people die in accordance with their wishes, surrounded by care, and with opportunities for closure. Families often report that their grief feels more bearable when they were able to participate fully and say what needed to be said.</p><h3>Walking Alongside Sorrow</h3><p>Ultimately, the gift of a Death Doula is not to erase sorrow but to walk alongside it. We remind people that final conversations—whether whispered at a bedside, written in a letter, or spoken in silence—carry profound meaning.</p><p>In supporting those last moments of honesty, love, and connection, Death Doulas honour the dignity of both the living and the leaving.</p>

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What Is a Death Doula? Compassionate Support at the End of Life

<p><i>Grief after suicide is profound and often bewildering. </i></p><p>For many men, it can be uniquely challenging because of social expectations about being “strong,” private, or self-reliant. When grief is pushed inward, pain can feel even heavier. This piece explores why men’s grief may look different, how that’s perfectly valid, and the supports that can help when the road feels long.</p><h3>Why Men’s Grief Can Look Different</h3><p>Men are often discouraged, either explicitly or implicitly, from showing vulnerability. As a result, many cope by withdrawing, keeping busy, or trying to "get on with it." This can lead to a painful mix of isolation and guilt.</p><p>In <i>AfterWords</i>, a survey of people bereaved by suicide in Ireland, 65% of men reported mental health difficulties after the loss. Forty percent used alcohol to cope. Thirty-three percent experienced problems in family relationships. Twenty-eight percent said their physical health deteriorated. These figures highlight the need for timely, tailored support, along with compassion for ourselves and each other.</p><h3>Different Grieving Styles (All Valid)</h3><p>Grief is not one-size-fits-all. Many men lean toward instrumental grieving, which means processing through thinking and doing rather than expressing visible emotion. Others are intuitive grievers, and many move between styles over time.</p><p>Returning to work, playing sport, or tackling projects is not a sign of avoiding grief. These actions can be genuine ways of carrying both love and pain. What matters most is whether your way of grieving helps you feel supported and connected.</p><h3>What Can Help</h3><p>There is no single right strategy. Try a few approaches and notice what supports you best:</p><ul><li><strong>Move your body. </strong>Walks, gym sessions, solo or team sports — physical activity can lift your mood and help regulate your nervous system.</li><li><strong>Peer connection. </strong>Men’s or mixed bereavement groups, including suicide-specific peer support, can normalise feelings and offer practical coping tools.</li><li><strong>Professional support. </strong>A counsellor or psychotherapist with experience in suicide bereavement can help with complex emotions, trauma, and guilt.</li><li><strong>Create and make.</strong> Journaling, music, woodworking, gardening — expressing grief through action can be deeply grounding.</li><li><strong>Mindfulness and breath. </strong>Simple practices can help you ride emotional waves without being overwhelmed.</li></ul><p>However you grieve, your love is real, and so is your loss. You do not have to go through this alone. Reaching out for connection is an act of strength, not a failure of it. If you have been bereaved by suicide and would value peer support or a listening ear, <a href="https://hugg.ie/">HUGG </a>is here to walk alongside you.</p><p><i>AfterWords: A survey of people bereaved by suicide in Ireland. O'Connell S, Tuomey F, O'Brien C, Daly C, Ruane-McAteer E, Khan A, McDonnell L, Arensman E, Andriessen K, Grennan A, Griffin E (2022)</i></p>

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Understanding Men’s Grief After Suicide

<h3>The Day Everything Changed</h3><p>I was eight years of age when I found out that my little brother Declan had a malignant brain tumour. He was six. He died six months later at the tender age of seven. The day my parents received the diagnosis was the day that would echo throughout every essence of each of our beings. They tried all of the challenging and demanding treatments, and they would do it again in the morning if they knew it would save him. It didn’t work.</p><h3>A Family in Crisis</h3><p>We spent six months in and out of hospitals, hearing hushed conversations, feeling left out as he received all the attention (remember this is a child's perspective), and feeling confused. We were a family of six children, ranging in age from three to twelve.</p><p>The youngest sibling, in her early development and attuned to her parents’ energy, felt the drops in their stomach after each consultation. The oldest sibling, on the cusp of her teenage years, craved independence but was held back by fear. The worst had actually happened, and it might happen again.</p><p>Jacinta, Fintan, and I were in the middle, followed by the birth of our brother Sheridan the year after Declan died.</p><h3>Why I Became a Therapist</h3><p>I decided to become a therapist because I was desperately searching to understand what happened to my family. It changed in front of my eyes, and neither my younger self nor my adult self understood why.</p><p>As I leaned into my therapy work, as terrifying as it was, I learned that this change is what can happen in families. I thought it was just us. Discovering this offered me a sense of peace. I now knew that when a child dies in the family, life as it once was has been uprooted, altered, and disturbed. There is now a new sway to the family dynamic, and it can bring direction or disruption. For us, it was both.</p><h3>How Children Grieve Differently</h3><p>When a child dies in the family and the remaining children are still young, this fragments or cements their internal language and perceptions even further. This will have an impact on how the remaining sibling grieves.</p><p>It used to confuse me how all my siblings reacted so differently to losing Declan. We grew up in the same house, had the same parents, ate the same dinners, had the same holidays, and even wore the same clothes. We had loving parents who treated us equally. How did we all behave and view our lives so very differently?</p><h3>My Quiet Grief</h3><p>My grief for Declan was quiet, hidden. I unconsciously decided to stay small and not cause any further distress. This meant I was always seen as the good child — independent and able to look after myself. In turn, I wasn’t always offered help, and I certainly didn’t learn how to ask for it. Even into my adult life, I struggled with this.</p><p>I now know it’s my responsibility to sit with this shadow side and learn that it’s okay to be vulnerable. This is a part of me that still needs compassion and healing.</p><h3>Louder Grief and Coping Mechanisms</h3><p>For two of my siblings, their grief was louder. It poured into the sitting room with early use of alcohol, self-destruction, and harmful behaviours. Yes, part of this is associated with the early teenage years, striving for independence and yearning for belonging, but it was exacerbated by the sense of loss within the household.</p><p>Another sibling’s beautiful and kind exterior masked the fear of love. She knew the realities of what it was like to really love and care for someone and have them taken away so unexpectedly and unfairly. She was older, so she could comprehend the intricate delicacy of what an unnatural loss can bring. She fought hard to keep us balanced and, as the oldest and being a girl, believed it was her job to emotionally fix everyone.</p><p>It is now her responsibility to care for herself as well as she has cared for all of us.</p><h3>Healing Takes Time</h3><p>This all takes time. It takes awareness of destructive patterns learned through crisis and fear of another loss. So it will take time to unlearn these coping skills. They have served us well thus far, but there comes a time when they are no longer healthy and are holding us back.</p><p>This is the work: awareness and compassion for our young selves. Remember that the brain is flexible and can create new neural pathways of love, safety, and calm. It will take time, trials, and errors — but it is possible to learn to regulate your nervous system again.</p><h3>A Beautiful Analogy</h3><p>I was once gifted the knowledge of how to explain the impact of sibling loss by the wise and humble Brid Carroll of the Irish Childhood Bereavement Network. She told me that siblings represent the fingers on our hand. Each finger has a different print, different lines, and different sizes. This represents the personality, core beliefs, and coping mechanisms of the individual sibling. Even though they come from the same body, they are all unique.</p><p>This is how siblings experience the loss of a brother or sister — uniquely.</p><h3>Support and Compassion</h3><p>There is no single approach when it comes to experiencing loss as a child, and each situation may require a tailored approach. Take time to read articles by the Irish Childhood Bereavement Network on what you can do to support grieving children. And remember to do so with compassion and kindness to your tender heart.</p><p>And also remember to contact <a href="https://www.jacintassmile.ie/">Jacinta’s Smile</a> services to see how we can support you.</p>

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Sibling Loss in Childhood: A Personal Reflection on Grief, Growth and Healing

<h3>Rebuilding After Suicide Loss</h3><p>Rebuilding your life after the loss of someone close to suicide, might feel like an enormous challenge. But there is always hope. Despite all the difficult feelings and trauma – especially in the early days – we know that many people bereaved by suicide do eventually learn to embrace life again.</p><h3>Always Prioritise Yourself</h3><p>After someone dies, it may be that you look after everyone except yourself. Taking care of yourself should be a priority. It could just mean spending some time with friends, choosing to be alone and taking some time to yourself, or doing something nice for yourself, a treat. You may want different things on different days, but it is important to always look out for your own feelings and needs, and prioritize them.</p><h3>Find a Good Listener</h3><p>People who have been bereaved by suicide often say that the most helpful thing is to find someone (or more than one person) who can listen. They may not be the most obvious people; friends may not be as easy to talk to or as available as you might hope. Look out for people who will simply listen and let you ‘be you’.</p><h3>Meet Others Who Have Had a Similar Loss</h3><p>Some people who have been bereaved by suicide find it helps to connect with others who have been bereaved similarly. It may be helpful to connect with their feelings, and perhaps you may feel you are not alone. This could be through attending a support group or one-to-one support for people who have been bereaved by suicide.</p><h3>Use Some Self-Help</h3><p>Some people who are bereaved find it informative to read books on a broad range of topics, such as the psychology of suicide, the experiences of people bereaved by suicide, loss and grief. There are also many trusted online sources of information, as well as various podcasts available that may be useful for you.</p><p>For some, daily spiritual practice – including visits to the person’s grave or a place that was meaningful for them – can provide great solace. Equally, reassurance from clergy and other faith leaders may be helpful in the early days following a suicide. You might also find spiritual support in other places, or with self-care strategies such as getting gentle exercise, being in nature, or practicing relaxation, yoga or mindfulness.</p><h3>Getting Through</h3><p>Nobody can tell you how you should grieve; if anyone tries to do so, you can remind them that everyone grieves differently. Grieving for someone has a definite starting point but no definitive end. The truth is that you will always carry what has happened inside you.</p><p>You may find that some days all you can think about is the loss, and some days you can do some tasks or think a little about your next steps in life. You may switch between these on an hourly basis; this is natural. Sometimes it can feel as if grief takes over. But people bereaved by suicide say that one day, perhaps against expectations, you may find that there is space for something else – a plan, a hope. And one day, maybe there will be a little more space. It isn’t so much that your grief is growing smaller; it’s that your world is growing around the grief.</p><p><i>This article is adapted from </i><a href="https://www.healthpromotion.ie/products/you-are-not-alone-suicide-bereavement-support-guide"><i>You Are Not Alone, the national suicide bereavement support guide.</i></a></p><p><i>For more information from the HSE on bereavement, loss and suicide bereavement, visit </i><a href="https://www2.hse.ie/mental-health/life-situations-events/bereavement/"><i>www.hse.ie/grief</i></a><i>.</i></p><p><i>From the HSE National Office for Suicide Prevention.</i></p>

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Rebuilding After Suicide Loss: Finding Hope in the Aftermath

<p><i>Grief after suicide can feel overwhelming, isolating, and incredibly heavy. </i></p><p>For many, the fear of stigma or misunderstanding makes it difficult to speak openly about their loss. Elaine’s journey shows how finding a compassionate community can provide relief, connection, and hope—even in the darkest moments.</p><h3>Finding a Place to Breathe</h3><p>After the death of her son Dan, Elaine struggled with intense emotions and the weight of silence. Speaking openly about her grief brought immense relief. She describes the peer support she received from HUGG as, in her words, <i>“life-saving.”</i></p><p>Being with people who truly understood her unique pain gave her the space to breathe for the first time. Elaine’s experience highlights a vital truth for those bereaved by suicide: finding a community that offers empathy and understanding can be a lifeline.</p><p>“It was the first place I felt I could just breathe and be myself,” Elaine says.</p><h3>Postvention is Prevention: Acknowledging Suicidal Thoughts</h3><p>Elaine also highlights a rarely spoken reality: people bereaved by suicide may experience suicidal thoughts themselves. Addressing this openly is crucial. Being able to discuss these feelings in a safe, supportive environment can be life-saving.</p><p><a href="https://hugg.ie/">HUGG</a> provides such a space, where difficult conversations can happen without judgment, allowing bereaved individuals to feel seen, understood, and supported. Elaine emphasizes that knowing you are not alone in these thoughts is a critical step toward healing.</p><h3>From Grieving Mother to Group Facilitator</h3><p>Elaine’s journey has evolved from seeking support to offering it. She now facilitates a suicide bereavement support group and finds that volunteering gives her energy, sustains her, and deepens her connection to her own grief.</p><p>“I often wonder what people did before HUGG existed,” she reflects.</p><p>Her work allows her to help others navigate their grief while honoring Dan’s memory. Through sharing her experience, Elaine extends a hand to countless others, inviting them into a conversation that fosters understanding, hope, and human connection.</p><h3>A Closing Thought</h3><p>Elaine’s story reminds us that healing after suicide loss is possible, and that compassionate community can make an enormous difference. If you are grieving, you are not alone. HUGG offers peer-led support groups and resources to help you navigate your grief and find connection. Reaching out—even in small steps—can be life-saving.</p>

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Life-Saving Support After Suicide Loss: Elaine’s Story

<p>When someone we love is grieving, most of us feel a bit helpless. Do you call? Do you show up? What do you say?</p><p>The truth is, you don’t need perfect words — you just need to show up. Grief is overwhelming, and your quiet presence can mean more than you realise.</p><p>Here’s how to genuinely support someone going through loss:</p><h3>1. Reach Out — Even If You Don’t Know What to Say</h3><p>Silence can feel like absence. A simple message like:</p><blockquote><p>“There are no words. I’m thinking of you. No need to reply.”</p></blockquote><p>...can be a lifeline. You don’t have to fix anything. Just show up.</p><h3>2. Be Led by Them</h3><p>Some want to talk. Others don’t. Some want distraction. Some want space. Follow their lead.</p><p>And if they go quiet, don’t take it personally. Keep the door gently open.</p><h3>3. Offer Specific Help — Don’t Ask, Just Do</h3><p>Grief makes it hard to know what to ask for. Instead of saying, <i>“Let me know if you need anything,”</i> try:</p><ul><li>“I’ll drop dinner on Wednesday.”</li><li>“I’m free Saturday if you’d like company.”</li><li>“Picked up a few essentials — left them on your step.”</li></ul><p>Think beyond the basics, too. Do they need help with their outfit for the service? Want to practise their speech or eulogy? Unsure what to do at home afterward?</p><p>Offer to help clean, organise candles, arrange food, or just be there while they talk it through. These gestures aren’t small — they’re everything.</p><h3>4. Check In Weeks and Months Later</h3><p>Support often floods in during the first few days, then disappears. But grief doesn’t work like that.</p><p>Mark your calendar to check in a month later, and again on birthdays or anniversaries. That’s when it can feel loneliest.</p><h3>5. Don’t Rush Them — or Sugar-Coat It</h3><p>Grief doesn’t come with a timeline. They don’t need to feel better by a certain point or “move on” gracefully.</p><p>Sometimes, the kindest thing you can say is:</p><blockquote><p>“It’s okay not to be okay.”</p></blockquote><p>One friend told me, </p><blockquote><p><i>“Everyone kept saying time would heal — I just wanted someone to say it was shit.”</i> </p></blockquote><p>And honestly, sometimes it just is.</p><p>Being real — and being there — is enough.</p><h3>The Kind of Support That Sticks</h3><p>You don’t need grand gestures. A cup of tea, a kind message, your quiet company, and a bit of realness — that’s the kind of support that sticks.</p>

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How to Support a Friend Who’s Grieving

<p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)"><i>Breffni Mc Guinness, Bereavement Coordinator, LauraLynn, Ireland’s Children’s Hospice.</i></span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">The death of a child is one of the most difficult deaths that anyone may have to face. If it is one of our colleagues who has experienced this tragedy we can sometimes be at a loss to know how to support them.</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">While there is no easy quick fix for grief, especially when it is a child who has died, there are things that we can do as managers and colleagues and that can make a difference to the person who is grieving.</span></p><h3><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Bereavement First Aid</span></h3><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">There are three practical steps that we call Bereavement First Aid which can really help.  These are: Acknowledge, Validate and Support or AVS.</span></p><h4><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Acknowledge</span></h4><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">It is important to acknowledge what has happened and to mention the child’s name  </span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">E.g. <i>“Mary, I am so sorry to hear about James”,</i> </span></p><h4><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Validate</span></h4><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Validate the experience and feelings of the person who is grieving.  A colleague who is bereaved may say that they are sad, devastated, angry, broken, in bits etc. it is important to validate these feelings by saying something like:</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">E.g.  <i>“It is totally understandable you are feeling like that given what has happened</i>”</span></p><h4><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Support</span></h4><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Offer support to your colleague who is grieving.  It is really helpful to check with the person about what might be most helpful for them.</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">E.g. <i>“I would really like to support you, what would be most helpful for you now?”</i></span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Along with bereavement first aid, there are also some other things that can be helpful and some that are not so helpful.</span></p><h3><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">What is helpful:</span></h3><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Reach out, be yourself and don’t worry about being perfect. We may feel a bit uncomfortable reaching out to a colleague who is bereaved – this is normal – but it is important not to let this stop us.  The most important thing is to take the risk to engage with your colleague. </span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Listen. Very often it’s hard to know what you can do for a colleague who is grieving, but one thing that really makes a difference is making time to listen to them. Just offer to chat if the person wants to - if they don’t no problem – at least they know that you care enough to check with them. If they do want to chat – just listen – and then listen a bit more.</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Your support will be required not just in the initial weeks and months but over a longer period. It takes a minimum of three years for someone to come to terms with the major aspects of the death of their child. For your colleague who is grieving, they will need your support during this time and beyond. </span></p><h3><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">What isn’t helpful: </span></h3><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Avoiding your bereaved colleague and acting as if nothing has happened – something has happened, and it is better to be open about this. </span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Minimising their loss – phrases such as ‘at least you have two more children’ or ‘you can have another child’ <i>(yes – these things have been said)</i> do not help the person who is grieving. If you are not sure what to say – say nothing.</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Making a fuss – most people who are bereaved want to be treated as normally as possible at work and do not want to stand out. Be sensitive and respect their wishes. </span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Expecting the person to be back to normal – people never go ‘back to normal’ because normal included their child who has died. In time they adapt to a ‘new normal’.</span></p><h3><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">For Managers</span></h3><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">If you are a manager, you have an important role to play in helping a person who is grieving the death of their child.  Communication is really important – contact the employee and ask how you can be a support to them – especially in relation to your organisation’s bereavement policy, flexibility in work arrangements, their entitlements, etc.   It is important to strike a balance between allowing the colleague who is bereaved to continue to contribute (their work may be very important to them) while also not putting them under undue pressure.</span></p><h3><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Final Note</span></h3><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">The death of a child is one of the hardest losses that an employee may have to face.  As a manager or a colleague, you can make a real difference to your bereaved colleague by reaching out with compassion and a listening ear. The three steps of Bereavement First Aid – Acknowledging, Validating and Supporting provide a simple roadmap for how you can do this. Above all, be brave, reach out and listen to your bereaved colleague rather than avoid them.  Care and compassion will go a long way. </span></p><h3><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Here is a free resource from LauraLynn:</span></h3><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">For those supporting a family with a child with a life-limiting illness:  </span><a href="https://www.lauralynn.ie/sites/default/files/scorm-courses/lauralynn_bereavement-support-staff/launch.html"><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Learn how grief can affect families and how to communicate effectively with them</span></a></p>

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How to Support a Bereaved Parent at Work

<h3>Grief Is Personal</h3><p>How you grieve, and the emotions you may experience when someone dies by suicide, are unique to you – just as individual as your fingerprint. Each person is affected in their own way because everyone is different, even within the same family. You had your own relationship with the person who died, your own experiences with loss, and your own way of expressing emotions.</p><h3>How Are You Feeling?</h3><p>People often ask ‘how are you feeling?’ and this can sometimes be impossible to answer. When someone dies suddenly, you can be left with an overwhelming array of feelings and thoughts. The following are just some of the feelings and thoughts you might be experiencing. You might experience some of these more than others, or they might come and go over time. Others, you might not experience at all, and that’s ok too.</p><ul><li>Sadness</li><li>Numbness</li><li>Anger</li><li>Defensiveness</li><li>Depression and anxiety</li><li>Despair and suicidal thoughts</li><li>Disbelief</li><li>Fear</li><li>Regret</li><li>Feeling stigmatised or judged by others</li><li>A sense of longing</li><li>Rejection</li><li>Shock</li><li>Searching</li><li>Relief</li><li>Acceptance</li></ul><h3>The Depth of Grief</h3><p>The depth of feeling associated with suicide loss can affect all aspects of your being: mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. In just a short period of time, you can use up your energy and feel overwhelmed and exhausted, and the intensity of some feelings might feel overwhelming at times. You can expect some physical reactions to your grief, e.g., headaches, loss of appetite, and inability to sleep. Your GP can give you advice about coping with these reactions, if needed.</p><h3>Nurturing Yourself Through Grief</h3><p>It is really important to nurture yourself on your grief journey. Here are some things to remember:</p><ul><li>Know you can survive. You may not think so but you can.</li><li>You might struggle with “why” it happened, until you no longer need to know “why” or until you are satisfied with some, or no answers. Wear out your questions, anger, guilt, or other feelings until you can let them go. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting.</li><li>Be aware you may feel inappropriate anger at the person, at the world, at God, at yourself. It’s okay to express this anger safely.</li><li>Accept that you may feel guilty for what you think you did, or did not do.</li><li>Know that having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on these thoughts. However, seek help if you have frequent suicidal thoughts or if you are thinking of acting on them. Talk to your GP anytime, or to the Emergency Department of your nearest hospital if you feel at risk of harm.</li><li>Take one moment or one day at a time.</li><li>Find a good listener with whom to share.</li><li>Don’t be afraid to cry. Tears are healing.</li><li>Try to put off major decisions.</li><li>Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand.</li><li>Know that you will never be the same again, but find hope – that you can survive and even go beyond just surviving.</li><li>Be kind and gentle with yourself.</li></ul><p><i>This article is adapted from </i><a href="https://www.healthpromotion.ie/products/you-are-not-alone-suicide-bereavement-support-guide"><i>You Are Not Alone, the national suicide bereavement support guide.</i></a></p><p><i>For more information from the HSE on bereavement, loss and suicide bereavement, visit </i><a href="https://www2.hse.ie/mental-health/life-situations-events/bereavement/"><i>www.hse.ie/grief</i></a><i>.</i></p><p><i>From the HSE National Office for Suicide Prevention.</i></p>

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Bereaved by Suicide: Understanding Your Grief, Your Way

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Topic: Supporting The Bereaved