<h3><strong>When You Feel Numb Or Disconnected</strong></h3><p>Grief does not always arrive in waves of strong emotions. Sometimes instead of crying or shouting, you may feel very little at all. You might feel like you’re watching life happen at a distance, as though they are going through the motions on autopilot. Some might call it numbness; others might call it emptiness.</p><p>This is the nervous system’s way of protecting you. Just as it can launch into fight or flight when it senses danger or stress, it can also shut down into what’s called the ‘freeze’ response. When experiences become too overwhelming to process, the body can slow down, energy drops and emotions can switch off.</p><p>Numbness can be your body’s attempt to cope but when it lingers, it can bring confusion or even guilt. You may long to feel something, as though you ‘should’ be feeling more but it seems out of reach.</p><h3><strong>One Breath At A Time</strong></h3><p>The way back is not to force feeling, but to gently invite connection back, one small step at a time. Your breath can be a steady companion here. It is always present, always moving. By paying attention to it, you can notice what is already there, helping you bridge the gap between your body and mind.</p><h3><strong>A Grounding Breath, To Gently Reconnect With Yourself</strong></h3><p>This is not about changing your breath, you are simply noticing it, tuning into the steady rhythm of inhales and exhales. The shift may be subtle. Each inhale and exhale becomes a thread of connection allowing a little more presence and reassurance that you are still here.</p><figure class="media"><div data-oembed-url="https://youtu.be/yFJ36MSQbxY?si=04-JwtyzIAjIL9QE"><div style="position:relative;padding-bottom:100%;height:0;padding-bottom:56.2493%"><iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/yFJ36MSQbxY" style="position:absolute;width:100%;height:100%;top:0;left:0" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen></iframe></div></div></figure><h3><strong>Try This Gentle Breathing Technique</strong></h3><p>To practice this breathing technique, find a place where you feel as comfortable as possible, whether sitting or lying down. Close your eyes or simply soften your gaze. If it is comfortable for you, rest one hand on your chest and one hand on your belly. Feel the surface beneath you holding your weight, steady and supportive and allow your body to settle.</p><p><strong>1. Begin by bringing your attention to your breath. Don't change anything yet, just focus on how your breath is right now in this moment.</strong></p><ul><li>Is it high in your chest or low in your belly?</li><li>Is it quick or is it slow?</li><li>Is it gentle or is it heavy?</li><li>Notice how cool the air feels as you breathe in through your nose and slightly warmer as you breathe out.</li></ul><p><strong>2. Start to gently guide your breath into a smooth rhythm and silently say to yourself: ‘I am breathing in. I am breathing out.’</strong></p><ul><li>Inhale slowly through your nose and low into your belly.</li><li>Exhale slowly through your mouth or nose, whatever feels easy for you.</li><li>Breathing gently with no force or effort.</li></ul><p><strong>3. Let your breath move like waves. Steady and continuous.</strong></p><ul><li>Imagine each inhale is like a wave rolling gently into shore.</li><li>Imagine each exhale is that wave flowing calmly back out to sea.</li></ul><p><strong>4. Notice now how you have created a natural rhythm to your breathing.</strong></p><ul><li>With every gentle exhale, imagine you are breathing out the tension in your body.</li><li>With every inhale, imagine you are breathing in calm and strength.</li></ul><p><strong>5. Breathe like this for a few minutes.</strong></p><ul><li>If your mind drifts, gently return to the words &amp; the movement of your hands as they rise and fall with your breath.</li></ul><h3><strong>Notice What Changes</strong></h3><p>Notice how your body is responding. Perhaps you feel your shoulders relaxing and your belly softening? You may or may not feel different right away. That’s okay. This practice isn’t about forcing feelings to return. It’s about creating a thread of connection, however small. Over time, these moments can remind your body that it is safe enough to soften and reconnect.</p><h3><strong>Your Breath Is Always With You</strong></h3><p>You can return to this practice anytime. You don’t need special equipment, or a long session. Even a few minutes using this technique can make a difference. Your breath is always with you.</p><p>Over time, these moments of calm accumulate, creating more space for you to meet life as it is.</p><p>Your breath won’t erase life’s challenges, but it can remind you that with every inhale and every exhale, you carry a simple, effective tool to help bring your mind and body back from overwhelm to greater ease.</p><h3><strong>A Gentle Reminder</strong></h3><p>Think of these practices as gentle tools you can reach for to support your wellbeing. They don’t replace medical or therapeutic care. Please only do what feels supportive for you, and if anything doesn’t feel right, simply return to your natural breath.</p><p>If you or a loved one is struggling with ongoing or overwhelming distress, I encourage you to reach out to a healthcare or mental health professional for extra support.</p>

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When You Feel Numb Or Disconnected: One Breath At A Time.

<p>You know the feeling of having a good day, everything is fine, nothing out of the ordinary, and your body begins to trust, just for a moment, that it’s okay to slide out of fight-or-flight mode. That it’s okay to let your soul settle with a warm cup of tea or a slow, gentle walk.</p><p>And then, just as you begin to allow yourself the confidence to step into a space of trust—boom—the gut punch.</p><p>Your stomach drops and your mind lights up like a thousand fireflies, electrifying every single neural pathway, exploding into a chaotic frenzy of thoughts:</p><p><br /><i>“But what if?”</i><br /><i>“Stay alert.”</i><br /><i>“You can’t be happy.”</i><br /><i>“Don’t let your guard down.”</i><br /><i>“Hurry up.”</i><br /><i>“Hurry up.”</i><br /><i>“Hurrryyyy uppp!”</i></p><h3>When the Mind Spirals</h3><p>As I write this today, my three young children have scurried across the field to see their granny and grandad. I watched them go through the field, climb over the wall onto the driveway, and turn the corner to go inside the house. I was happy, knowing they were safe.</p><p>Then suddenly, a wave of panic came over me—a surge of danger taking over my senses. All the <i>what ifs</i> darting through my vision and mind. I didn’t physically see them walk in the door.<br /><i>What if there was a tractor that didn’t see them in the driveway?</i><br /><i>What if a tree fell down in the wind?</i><br /><i>What if the door to Granny’s is locked and they decide to wander around the fields?</i></p><p>All of these scenarios crept into my body, heightening my senses and triggering my deep-seated fear:</p><blockquote><p><br />“Someone else that I love is going to die.”</p></blockquote><h3>The Need to Know</h3><p>So what did I do? I rang their granny. I had to check. I had to know. I tried to wait 15 minutes, but my thoughts gripped me and a distressed state of consciousness set in.</p><p>It has been, and continues to be, a work in progress to differentiate between reality and thought.</p><h3>The Body Believes the Thought</h3><p>Have you ever noticed that when you think a certain thought, your body responds as if it’s happening in that moment?</p><p>This has been proven by science.</p><p>Our bodies do not know how to separate reality from perceived reality.</p><p><i>For example:</i><br />If I imagine a lemon in my hand—look at it, hold it, smell it, and then take a bite—my body reacts as if I’m biting into a sour lemon. As you read this, do you notice your mouth has more saliva? There’s no lemon in your hand, but your body believes there is.</p><p>This is the same for anxious thoughts.</p><p>When an anxious thought appears, our body believes it to be true.<br />99% of the time, it is not true.</p><h3>What Can We Do?</h3><p>So what can we do to support ourselves in moments of anxiety or overwhelm, when fear creeps into our cells?</p><p>We notice it.</p><p>Yes, it sounds simple for such an active, stimulated state—but it really does start there.<br />We have to begin to stop and truly notice what is going on for us in that moment.</p><p>So many of us are on autopilot, stuck in a heightened state of nervousness due to bereavement. It becomes a way of life. In a way, it feels safe—because the perception is that we have control by trying to manage the situation. But in reality, our thoughts and lack of awareness are in the driving seat.</p><h3>Bringing Yourself Back</h3><ul style="list-style-type:circle"><li>We begin by bringing our attention to our thoughts.</li><li>Notice them.</li><li>Remind yourself, and your body, that this is not happening right now.</li><li>That this is not true.</li><li>That right now, I am safe.</li></ul><p>Bring it back to the present moment.<br />Then we can empower ourselves to take back our own authority.</p><p>For example:<br /><i>Right now I am safe.</i><br /><i>Right now my hands are typing on my laptop.</i><br /><i>Right now there is warmth in my mouth from my ginger tea.</i><br /><i>Right now the rain is bouncing off the window.</i><br /><i>Right now my feet are in fluffy socks.</i><br /><i>Right now I am in my house.</i><br /><i>Right now I am safe.</i></p><p>As you read that paragraph, could you see where I was and what my senses were experiencing?</p><p><br />This is the power of imagination.</p><p><br />It can bring us to terrifying, anxious places—and it can also bring us to warm, tender, soft, and nurturing places.</p><h3>You Have the Power to Choose</h3><p>You have the choice.<br />Take your power back.<br />Start with noticing.</p><p>Remind your body that you are safe in this very moment.<br />These are just thoughts trying to keep you secure and in control.<br />They have served you well until now—and now it’s time to let them go.</p><p>Try reminding yourself:</p><blockquote><p><br /><i>“Yes, [insert your name], of course this is how you are trying to make sense of the world. Of course this is absolutely understandable. You have been through so much. Of course this is how you would be trying to protect yourself.”</i></p></blockquote><h3>Remember Your Compassionate Voice</h3><p>A lovely, easy way to bring yourself out of anxious thoughts and back into the room is to use the five senses. Try it now:</p><ul><li>5 things you can see</li><li>4 things you can touch</li><li>3 things you can hear</li><li>2 things you can smell</li><li>1 thing you can taste</li></ul><h3>Rewiring Takes Time</h3><p>Remember: your brain does not know how to distinguish reality from perceived reality.<br />This takes time to rewire and practice—but the more you do it, the more naturally it will come.</p>

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When Grief Triggers Anxiety: Navigating the Body’s Response

<p>Grief comes in many forms, and every loss is deeply personal. Yet sometimes, the world around us does not acknowledge our pain. This is called disenfranchised grief — a natural emotional response to loss that is not openly accepted or recognised by others. For those experiencing it, the silence or dismissal can be just as painful as the loss itself.</p><h3>What is Disenfranchised Grief?</h3><p>The term was first defined by grief expert Dr. Kenneth Doka in 1989: <i>“Disenfranchised grief refers to a loss that’s not openly acknowledged, socially mourned, or publicly supported.”</i></p><p>This type of grief often arises when:</p><ol><li>The loss is not considered “important enough” by others.</li><li>The type of loss is stigmatised.</li><li>Some people are seen as not “entitled” to grieve.</li><li>The circumstances of the death are denied.</li><li>The way someone expresses their grief is judged.</li></ol><p>Think of moments when someone says, <i>“I was only their friend,”</i> or <i>“We were divorced, so I shouldn’t feel this upset.”</i> These are powerful examples of how people can minimise their own grief because they feel it doesn’t “count.”</p><p>But here’s the truth: <strong>all grief is valid.</strong></p><h3>Why it Matters</h3><p>When grief is not recognised, it can leave the mourner feeling isolated, unwelcome, or even ashamed of their pain. This can make the grieving process longer and more complicated.</p><p>For those bereaved by suicide, disenfranchised grief can feel especially heavy. Because suicide carries stigma, some may feel that others see their loved one’s death as “less worthy” of sympathy, or that they themselves are “less entitled” to grieve. Whether real or imagined, these feelings can prevent people from seeking the support they need — leaving them to carry their grief alone.</p><p>As one bereaved person shared:</p><blockquote><p><br /><i>“When I lost my friend to suicide, people said, ‘But you weren’t family.’ It made me feel like my grief didn’t matter. But it mattered deeply — it still does.”</i></p></blockquote><h3>Finding a Way Forward</h3><p>If you recognise yourself in this type of grief, know that you are not alone — and your feelings are valid. Some steps that may help include:</p><ul><li>Communicate your needs: Let family and friends know what kind of support helps you most. Often, people want to help but feel unsure of what to say or do.</li><li>Seek safe spaces: A support group can offer relief, connection, and validation by bringing together others who truly understand.</li><li>Professional support: Speaking with a grief therapist can provide guidance in processing difficult emotions.</li><li>Stay connected: Whatever you choose, try not to isolate yourself. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness.</li></ul><p>Grief does not need permission to exist — and neither do you. Every relationship, every bond, and every loss is worthy of being honoured. If you are experiencing disenfranchised grief, know that your pain is real, your love is real, and you are deserving of support and compassion.</p><p>For free, peer-led support after suicide loss, visit <a href="https://hugg.ie/find-support-after-a-suicide/ ">HUGG.ie</a>. </p>

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When Grief Goes Unrecognised: Understanding Disenfranchised Grief

<h3>The Silent Grief of Fathers</h3><p>When a baby dies, the world often looks to the mother. People ask how she is, how she’s coping, what she needs. And while her grief is immense and deserves every bit of care, it can sometimes leave dads standing quietly in the background—hurting, but unseen.</p><p>If you’re a dad who has lost a baby, please know this: your grief matters too.</p><h3>Your Loss Is Real and Heavy</h3><p>You had all the hopes and dreams. You imagined what life would be like with your child. That loss is real, and it is heavy.</p><p>Many dads feel pressure to “be strong”—to hold everything together, to take care of their partner, to sort out the practical things no one else can face. But strength doesn’t mean pushing down your pain. You are allowed to grieve in your own way.</p><h3>There’s No Right Way to Grieve</h3><p>Some dads cry. Some need to talk. Others find comfort in keeping busy or channeling their energy into something meaningful. All of this is okay. Whatever way you manage your loss—whatever works for you—is exactly how you are meant to be. There is no right or wrong way to process grief.</p><h3>Grieving Differently Doesn’t Mean Grieving Less</h3><p>We often say grief is like a rollercoaster. You may be on the same ride, but you and your partner are in different carriages. This is perfectly okay. It’s important to know that everyone grieves differently. One person may find it difficult to get out of bed, while the other goes to work and carries on as normal. This doesn’t mean they care less or feel the loss any less deeply.</p><h3>Feeling Invisible or Guilty Is Common</h3><p>You might feel invisible at times, or even guilty for the way you’re coping. Maybe people don’t ask how you are. Maybe you don’t know how to put your feelings into words. That doesn’t make your grief any less real.</p><h3>You Don’t Have to Go Through This Alone</h3><p>There is no right way to do this. You don’t have to hide, and you don’t have to go through it alone. If you can, talk to someone you trust—a friend, a family member, or another dad who has experienced loss. Sharing even a little of what you’re carrying can lift some of the weight.</p><p>There are support groups specifically for dads, and you may feel more comfortable in that space.</p><h3>Honouring Your Baby and Your Healing</h3><p>Most of all, remember this: being a grieving dad doesn’t mean being silent or strong all the time.</p><p>It means loving your baby in the only way you can now—by carrying their memory with you, by allowing yourself to feel, and by honouring your own healing too.</p><h3>You Are Not Alone</h3><p>Your grief is valid.</p><p>Your baby will always matter.</p>

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When a Baby Dies: Supporting Grieving Dads Through Loss

<h3>The Day Everything Changed</h3><p>I was ten years of age. My brother Declan had died just a year before. My parents had just returned from a hospital appointment for my dad, Frank. The doctors called it “Broken Heart Syndrome.” He needed a triple bypass within 24 hours or he would die of a heart attack. My dad was just 40.</p><p>He did have the triple bypass the next day—and he is still with us, tenderly and gratefully, 28 years on.</p><h3>Understanding Broken Heart Syndrome</h3><p>This “Broken Heart Syndrome” makes sense to me now.</p><p>Of course, his son had died at just seven years of age from a brain tumour. He was heartbroken. There is no other explanation. As a young child, witnessing my parents’ health fears come to life after Declan died was extremely scary. My heart dropped into my stomach with fear. It made the possibility of another death feel real again.</p><h3>A Family of Shattered Hearts</h3><p>My dad Frank, my mother Helen, and all of us siblings—six of us remaining—had to find ways to tend to our own heartbreak. We were a collective, a unified shattered heart. But we were also individuals. We had to learn to cope in different ways and gain hope and strength from what brought us distraction from the pain—and hopefully some joy too.</p><p>There is no “one size fits all” when it comes to soothing our broken hearts in grief. For my dad, it was physical at that moment. For some of us, it was emotional and mental. So we found our own ways.</p><h3>Surrendering to the Pain</h3><p>A way that worked for me in calming and realigning this fractured muscle of love was to surrender into it. To genuinely feel it. Even though I was terrified of what I would find in there—worried that the desolate pain would capture my entire being. I feared that going to that gut-wrenching place would lead me to a shadowed life of despair and suffering.</p><p>I believed if I could ignore it, then it would go away. I learned that this is not how it works.</p><p>Allowing myself the space to really acknowledge the emptiness and disintegration of what was once a whole, strong, and immaculate source of love—and coming to the reality that this was now different.</p><p>Yes, a piece of me had been internally fragmented. And along with this, I noticed the physical pain in my chest.</p><h3>A Grounding Practice for Grief</h3><p>What you can do right now:</p><ul style="list-style-type:circle"><li>Ensure you are in a place where you feel safe. Sit down with your two feet on the floor.</li><li>Notice your heart. Allow yourself some space to feel into this shattered part of your anatomy. Name it and claim it. This is yours. This is a part of you, and it is there through the absolute love and purity of connection that you had the honour of knowing through your loved one.</li><li>Notice if it is physically painful. It may feel overwhelming. Take a breath. Yes, breathe into that overwhelm. As you read this now, take a deep, intentional breath of acknowledgement—right down into those broken parts of your heart. Hold it, and release the sense of freedom and connection you feel as you allow your shoulders to drop into this reality.</li><li>Don’t be afraid to feel into it. You have already been feeling it, but often you’ve tried to push it away. Today is different. It is safe to tune inwards. This is sadness. This is loss. Your heart needs to be acknowledged, felt, and held.</li></ul><h3>Holding Your Heart with Intention</h3><p>Hold your heart intentionally. Place your hand over your heart. Notice the warmth from your hands entering the skin, moving down through the blood and deep into the muscles and chambers of your weary heart.</p><p>Give yourself this space, this time. You are here right now. Breathe in and breathe out.</p><p>Remember—you are feeling this pain for a reason. Tune in to yourself. Through connection to your own body, soul, and energy, you can begin to bring soothing and healing into each of your cells and crevices.</p><p>It is okay to feel that release. It is okay to let that go. It does not mean that you are letting them go. It means that you are letting the pain of the absence go—not them.</p><h3>A Balm for the Heart</h3><p>Think of soothing as though you are placing a calming, loving balm around your heart. It is safe, and it is mending. Your nervous system will begin to regulate.</p><p>Each of us has a different connection to our loved one who has died. However, where we notice their absence is internally—in our hearts, in the emptiness, and in the sense of numbness.</p><p>By tuning into your heartspace, it can reawaken the sensations and the energy flow, which in turn offers your body and soul vitality and movement. The blood will start to flow again where it once felt cold and shaken, as you gently and delicately soothe your broken heart with contention, intention, and warmth.</p><h3>Healing Begins Within</h3><p>These are grounding techniques that are simple and accessible. Your intentions are available to you at all times.</p><p>As a co-founder of <a href="https://www.jacintassmile.ie/">Jacinta’s Smile</a>, it is important for me and my sisters to remember to tune into our hearts and offer soothing. By doing this, we can offer support and regulation to others.</p><p>Healing begins by going inwards—and in turn, we can illuminate from the inside out.</p>

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Soothing a Broken Heart: A Child’s Journey Through Grief and Healing

<h3>Returning to Work After the Loss of Your Baby</h3><p>Coming back to work after the loss of your baby is one of the most difficult steps you may ever take. It can feel surreal — like the world has kept moving while yours stood still. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and stepping back into a routine that once felt normal can now feel overwhelming, even impossible.</p><p>You may find comfort in the structure of work, or you may struggle with the routine and the memories tied to your pregnancy. Both reactions are valid. There’s no “right way” to navigate this.</p><p>If it feels right for you, consider asking HR or your manager to send a message to your team before you return, explaining what has happened. This can ease the pressure of answering difficult questions or navigating awkward silences. You might include specific requests — such as asking colleagues not to avoid you or the subject, or alternatively, asking that your baby not be mentioned at all. You can also express that while you appreciate people’s care, you don’t want to be treated differently. Let them know how you’d like to be supported (or not) as you return, and that your boundaries may shift day by day.</p><p>This return isn’t about “moving on” — it’s about learning to carry your grief with you and adjusting to a new normal.</p><h3>Consider a Phased Return to Work</h3><p>If possible, explore a phased return. Being expected to work a full week straight away can feel overwhelming when you're still navigating deep grief. Starting with shorter hours or fewer days can give you space to breathe and adjust at your own pace.</p><p>Taking one day — or even one hour — at a time can make the transition feel more manageable. Speak with your manager or HR about what’s possible. Many workplaces are more flexible than we expect, especially when they understand the emotional weight you’re carrying.</p><p>You are not alone. And you don’t have to do this all at once. One hour, one task, one day at a time.</p><h3>Finding Support After Baby Loss</h3><p>Connecting with others who have experienced similar loss can be incredibly comforting. Support groups offer a space to feel less alone and more understood.</p><p>As bereavement therapist Dr. Peter Hanlon puts it, </p><blockquote><p><i>“The best thing to give a bereaved parent is another bereaved parent.”</i> </p></blockquote><p>Sometimes, just knowing someone truly understands your pain can offer a sense of solace and strength that words alone cannot provide.</p><h3>Grief Comes in Waves</h3><p>Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. Certain moments — a memory, a date, a conversation — can feel like waves crashing all over again. Recognising this, and giving yourself the space and tools to cope, can make those waves a little more bearable.</p>

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Returning to Work After Baby Loss: Navigating Grief in the Workplace

<p><span style="color:hsl(0, 0%, 0%)"><i>By Aidan McKiernan, Principal Specialist Clinical Psychologist, LauraLynn, Ireland’s Children’s Hospice</i></span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0, 0%, 0%)">The death of a child is one of the most profoundly painful losses a family can endure. The initial grief can feel overwhelming because, in addition to the extremely painful physical separation from the child or young person, the roles, routines and relationships in the family are suddenly upended. And yet, somehow, families carry within themselves inner resources that enable them to reorient their lives – not to “move on” or “get over” - but to adjust to a changed rhythm.</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0, 0%, 0%)">With support and the passage of time (realistically in the case of the death of a child or young person, the timeline is some years), families do return to a level of functioning and well-being that is similar to life before the child’s death, even though the absence is always felt. For some families, the loss can become a point of transformation, a painful, unbidden learning occurs that helps them to develop a deeper understanding of what matters most in life (an understanding that the rest of us can spend much of our lives oblivious to). A re-evaluation of priorities can follow, and a renewed appreciation for the relationships that are important and sustaining. Through these processes, families can discover strengths they did not know they possessed.</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0, 0%, 0%)">Because self-compassion soothes emotional pain and helps to regulate strong emotion, families benefit from intentionally practicing kindness towards themselves. In the first place, this means allowing oneself to grieve at one’s own pace and in one’s own way. The business of compassion may also involve the family finding a way to extend compassion towards others (by practising patience when others interact with them in a clumsy way, for example), because this patience is protective of the relationships that the family lean into.</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0, 0%, 0%)">Making space for grief is important also, as compared with continuously suppressing or avoiding: one or two breaths, acknowledging the physical sensations and feelings that are present, and returning to whatever is most relevant to the situation right now (boiling the kettle, showering, making a meal). Crucially, just as we benefit from acknowledging loss, so is it true that space away from the raw intensity of grief is important and necessary. Finding this balance is a life-long process.</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0, 0%, 0%)">Even when a child dies – even when a loss so major is experienced - connection, purpose, and joy are possible. It is reasonable and realistic to be hopeful that these things will be felt again, someday. But compassion comes first.</span></p>

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Resilience of Families in the Face of the Loss of a Child

<p><i>What is it like to lose a sibling? Well, it's like swimming without a float — you can do it, but it's not as sturdy or buoyant.</i></p><p>I only knew my life with Jacinta in it. She was 17 months old when I was born. Our lives grew together. I was 28 when she died. I never had to protect myself, she did that for me. She was allowed to call me names or push me around as siblings often do but, my God! If someone did that outside of our family, she would be the first one to ride over on her BMX bike and swiftly wheelie them out of my life.</p><h3>The Void She Left Behind</h3><p>When she died, I felt exposed to the world. Vulnerable to a part of me that never had to show up before, because she always did it for me. I didn't need the confidence to speak; she did it for me. I now had to find a voice, and I didn't know what that sounded like without her tone joining in with mine.</p><p>Losing a sibling brings a sense of unmasking. An unwanted unfolding of a barrage of questions:</p><ul><li>Who am I without her?</li><li>Where do I belong now?</li><li>Where is my place in the family?</li><li>What roles do I have to step into now that hers is vacant?</li><li>Where will I stand in our family photo?</li><li>Are they her friends or my friends?</li><li>Do they still want to be friends with me?</li><li>Where is my place? </li><li>Where do I belong if it's not beside her? </li><li>Where will I share all of our memories and stories?</li><li>Who can I laugh with about the mom joke she made up in our bedroom when we were six and supposed to be asleep?</li><li>What will I do with the song in my head that she used to ask me to sing to put her to sleep every night?</li></ul><h3>The Small Things Are the Big Things</h3><p>These questions may seem trivial, but that's the way a sibling relationship blooms. It's always the small things. Together, they are the big things, the shared memories. There is a bond there that cannot be filled.</p><p>From childhood to death at an old age, we imagine our lives together floating through love, rivalry, shared joy, shared pain, misunderstandings, disconnections, and reconnections.</p><p>This is how we believed it would be. There was safety in that. A sense of belonging, teamwork, partnership, and a bittersweet symphony of all of life's moments. The struggles and the strengths were felt and witnessed by each other. In place of this, there is now a loneliness that feels hollow and yet substantial.</p><h3>The Secondary Grief</h3><p>These moments were experienced by two connected members — members of a union. When this membership is broken, there is a sense of being outcast and different. It can cause a sensation of losing the person you once were. And in that, there is also a secondary grief.</p><p>And then, seeping into the field of bereavement, arrives the harsh truth: our parents are no longer the people they once were. Especially as an adult, it feels like our responsibility to help them through their deep pain and sorrow. They are broken too — they have lost part of their own birthed tribe.</p><p>As siblings, we feel the weight and acknowledge the full sense of helplessness. We have to witness this, knowing there is no fixing their broken soul. This can be excruciating.</p><h3>Ten Years On</h3><p>It has been almost ten years since Jacinta’s sudden death from a brain aneurysm. Even writing this seems like I am lying or making it up. The moments of reality hit deep. However, now, they are met with a sense of compassion for myself and my grieving heart.</p><p>How do I do this?</p><h3>Leaning Into Grief</h3><p>Acknowledging that the pain and emotion behind each interaction with loss is safe. It is safe for me to go there. It is safe to be in this. I had to lean into it. I learned that the thought of going to that deep place was actually worse than the moment of it.</p><p>I did this by breathing in and acknowledging.<br />Give yourself the time to be with your own grief.<br />Learn to accommodate it.<br />Notice all the feelings that surge through you. The confusion, the anger, the gutted stomach, the hopelessness, the love, the disconnection, the fear.</p><h3>All Feelings Are Welcome</h3><p>All of these feelings are welcome. They all have a place. One is not worse than the other — they simply are, and they are there to be felt.</p><p>That is when bravery comes in. That is your strength.<br />Notice your courage to feel all of the complications.<br />And breathe. Release. Let yourself go.<br />Remind your inner critic to be kind.<br />Slow down and let yourself feel into the emotions.</p><p>You deserve this space and time to reconnect with yourself.<br />Yes, you are different — but you are different with a strike of lightning now running through your veins.<br />Feel this light, this power, and this burst of energy. It is also yours.<br />It is okay to feel the light and the darkness at the same time. It is all welcome.</p><h3>A Note on Guilt</h3><p>As I write this, I am also highly aware that whilst I have lost three siblings, in this article I only speak to the loss of my sister Jacinta. And with this, I notice the guilt seeping in.</p><p>Does that mean I didn't love my brothers as much?<br />Does that mean their death did not impact me?<br />Why did I choose to write about Jacinta?</p><p>And... I notice these thoughts. I acknowledge them. And I let them go.<br />Life is complicated, and not everything has an answer. Just like grief.</p><p> </p>

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Losing a Sibling: A Lifetime of Grief, Love and Identity

<h3>Conversations About Grief</h3><p>Third Age is a national organisation that empowers older people to live full, active, and valued lives in their communities. Through programmes like SeniorLine, Third Age offers support, connection, and a listening ear to older people navigating life’s challenges—including grief. This article explores how we can better support those who are bereaved, especially older people, by understanding what helps and what doesn’t.</p><p>Death is both everyday and universal, and most of us, as we go through life, have some experience of loss. It is surprising, therefore, that some people who have suffered bereavement speak about the poor response they can encounter from friends, neighbours, and people in general. Why is this? Is there a good way to support those we care about after a death?</p><h3>Not Knowing What to Say</h3><p>Some people don’t know how to approach a bereaved person after a death. It can feel as if the survivor has somehow moved to an unreachable, distant place.</p><p>“I have seen people cross the road to avoid me. I know it’s because they don’t know what to say. But it is hurtful, as if I have changed,” says Marie, who was widowed in 2022.</p><p>There are many reasons why grief can cause uncomfortable feelings in others and lead them to avoid awkward encounters. It may be that such meetings trigger their own unresolved grief. People may believe they couldn’t handle another’s tears or distress, or they may feel they have to fix or solve the situation somehow—make it better.</p><h3>Keeping People Company</h3><p>At a fundamental level, there is often nothing to do about death. It has happened. It just is. In these situations, we can help by offering emotional support: listening, being present, and giving grief and loss the space they deserve.</p><p>The Third Age programme, SeniorLine, Ireland’s telephone service for older people, hears from callers who may still be grieving months or years after the death of someone close. The caller often needs to talk about the circumstances surrounding the death, the person who died, and life since.</p><p>SeniorLine volunteers know the value of listening and giving the caller time to talk.</p><p>“At my age, I have experienced death and I know how people need to talk. I offer empathy rather than sympathy as I try to put myself in their shoes. I ask about the person that died and encourage the caller to talk about him or her if that is what they want. People really appreciate that, as it does not seem always acceptable to continue talking about the person as time goes on. But there is no one right way to grieve, and everyone is different,” says Patsy Buckley, Dublin 16, a SeniorLine volunteer.</p><p>As a confidential support service, SeniorLine does not assume to know how a bereaved caller feels. Callers may be helpless, fearful, angry, guilty, sad, lonely, and much more. Our response to loss depends on our relationship with the person who has died, the manner of the death, our support system, personal capacity, and any previous losses.</p><h3>Less Is More</h3><p>Sometimes, the simplest words are best.</p><p>“I’m very sorry to hear your mother has died,” accompanied by a handshake or hug, lets the person know you are able to share their grief in that moment and stand with them quietly.</p><p>“Sorry for your trouble” is a traditional Irish expression to show sympathy and acknowledge someone’s loss. It can express a reaching out without needing a lengthy emotional exchange, allowing sympathy to be offered in a quiet but authentic way.</p><p>It is important to avoid clichés. Do not try to minimise their loss, offer false reassurance, or assume you know how they feel. Death is both completely familiar and completely mysterious. Responding to the mystery of death may affect us all in a profound way, and operating from that place may help us offer comfort and consolation in a sincere and effective way.</p><h3>About Third Age and SeniorLine</h3><p>Third Age is a network of programmes and projects for older people that supports their autonomy and celebrates their contribution in local communities.</p><p>SeniorLine is open daily from 10am to 10pm.<br /><strong>Freefone: </strong>1800 80 45 91<br /><a href="www.thirdageireland.ie">www.thirdageireland.ie</a></p><p> </p>

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Listening Matters: Helping Older People Navigate Loss

<p>Planning your own funeral might sound unusual, but it’s becoming more common — and for good reason. Many people are choosing to take control of their farewell, not out of morbidity, but to bring clarity, reduce stress for loved ones, and ensure the day reflects who they truly are.</p><p>Whether you go it alone, work with a funeral director, or use a dedicated service like mine, here’s how to start planning a meaningful, personal send-off.</p><h3>1. Decide on the Tone and Format</h3><p>Would you prefer a:</p><ul><li>Traditional religious funeral</li><li>Civil ceremony</li><li>Celebration of life</li></ul><p>Think about the setting: indoors or outdoors? Quiet and reflective, or full of music and stories? Once you’ve chosen the tone, the rest of the planning becomes easier.</p><h3>2. Consider the Practicalities</h3><p>Ask yourself:</p><ul><li>Do you want a wake?</li><li>Should it be held at home or in a venue?</li><li>Would you like an open casket?</li><li>Is there a specific funeral director you’d like involved?</li></ul><p>These decisions are incredibly helpful for your family to know in advance.</p><h3>3. Choose Locations for Each Part of the Day</h3><p>Think about where you’d like:</p><ul><li>The ceremony to take place (church, civil venue, etc.)</li><li>Your final resting place (burial or cremation)</li><li>The gathering afterwards (hotel, pub, home)</li></ul><p>Each element can be tailored to your preferences.</p><h3>4. Add Personal Touches</h3><p>This is where your personality can shine:</p><ul><li>Favourite songs, singers, or readings</li><li>A colour theme or dress code</li><li>Personal tributes or a more low-key approach</li></ul><p>These details make the service feel unmistakably “you.”</p><h3>5. Plan the Food and Format of the Gathering</h3><p>After the ceremony, what kind of gathering would you like?</p><ul><li>Tea and sandwiches</li><li>A pub lunch</li><li>A seated three-course meal</li><li>Canapés and champagne</li></ul><p>There’s no wrong answer — just what feels right for you.</p><h3>6. Document Your Wishes Clearly</h3><p>Don’t rely on memory or casual conversations. Write down your plan in a way that’s easy to find and understand:</p><ul><li>A formal document</li><li>A letter to your next of kin</li><li>A note held with your solicitor</li></ul><p>Most importantly, let your loved ones know you’ve made a plan — and where to find it.</p><h3>7. Consider Payment and Costs</h3><p>Would you like to:</p><ul><li>Pre-pay for any part of the funeral or gathering?</li><li>Set aside funds?</li><li>Leave it to your family to cover costs?</li></ul><p>If you’ve made financial arrangements (e.g. a funeral plan or savings), make sure the details are recorded and accessible. This helps avoid confusion and unexpected expenses.</p><h3>Final Thoughts</h3><p>Planning your own funeral is one of the kindest and most empowering things you can do — for yourself and the people you love. As I often say to my clients through <i>The Funeral Planner</i>, a beautiful, personal farewell isn’t just possible — it can be straightforward, stress-free, and even comforting to plan.</p>

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How to Plan Your Own Funeral

<p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)"><i>Breffni Mc Guinness, Bereavement Coordinator, LauraLynn, Ireland’s Children’s Hospice.</i></span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">If you are a parent who is reading this article and you have recently lost your child, my sincere sympathies to you and your family at this time.  This is an unimaginably difficult time for you and those close to you. </span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">No one can know the pain of loss that you are experiencing, and each person has to find their own way through their grief.  However, there are parents who have travelled this road before you and who are living proof that you can, and will, come through this.  It will though, take time and it is really important to be kind and patient with yourself as best you can. </span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">We know from grief theories that remembering is really important.  When we think of it – the word remember is made up of two parts “re” and “member”. Remembering your child is about making them a member again of your family in a new way.  They are no longer physically present, but they are still very much part of your family. By consciously making an effort to remember them, you will weave them into the fabric of your family life in a new way.  This will also be an important part of helping you cope with your grief.</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">What follows are some suggestions that, with time, may be of help to you on your unique journey of grief. Some may sit well with you, and others not, – please just choose whatever is helpful for you.</span></p><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">What are some of the ways and rituals that might be helpful in remembering your child?</span></p><h3><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Pictures in a prominent place in the house</span></h3><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Some people find that having a particular picture of their child displayed in a prominent place in the house – provides a way for everyone to connect in an informal and easy way with the child who has died.</span></p><h3><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Remembering birthdays and significant dates</span></h3><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Creating new traditions within your family to remember the birthday of your child who has died is a lovely way of keeping their memory part of the ongoing narrative of your family.  These can include:</span></p><ul style="list-style-type:disc"><li><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Lighting a candle at a mealtime on the day</span></li><li><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Going to a special place that was significant for you or your child e.g. the sea, or a favourite park</span></li><li><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Doing something together as a family on that day – e.g. going for a meal, a walk etc in memory of your child</span></li><li><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Visiting their grave </span></li><li><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Listening to music that reminds you of your child or that they liked</span></li></ul><h3><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">More regular rituals</span></h3><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Some people find comfort in rituals that they do regularly as ways of connecting with their child. This will be as individual as your child was, and as you are. These can include:</span></p><ul style="list-style-type:disc"><li><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Saying hello to your child when you wake up or start your day</span></li><li><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Visiting places that are significant for you and remind you of your child.</span></li><li><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">For those with religious beliefs – praying to their child can also be comforting.</span></li></ul><h3><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Creating a more permanent reminder in your home or garden</span></h3><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">These can include:</span></p><ul style="list-style-type:disc"><li><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">A new tree or bush that is planted in their memory</span></li><li><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Creating a special seat in the house or the garden</span></li><li><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Creating a new feature in your home which is in memory of your child e.g. a pond.</span></li></ul><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">In all of these suggestions the key thing to keep an eye on is what works for you and your family.  Take your time in looking at what ways you might choose.  Talk to other members of your family about how they would like to remember your child. Allow that this will be bittersweet – remembering can be healing but it can also be painful.  Be conscious of where you and others are at in your grief journeys, and that what might work for you may not work for someone else.</span></p><h3><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Final Thought</span></h3><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Coping with the death of your child is one of the hardest things that anyone may have to do.  Creating ways to remember your child can help you and others to begin healing. Starting new rituals to remember your child, whether on dates that are significant, or something that you do more regularly can help you to adjust and cope with your grief. This is a long journey and there will be ups and downs.  Though it may not seem like it now, you will come through this.  Finding ways to remember your child is an important part of finding your way.</span></p><h3><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">Here is a free resource from LauraLynn to support you or someone you care about: </span></h3><p><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">For parents and families: </span><a href="https://eur02.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lauralynn.ie%2Ffamily-bereavement-course&amp;data=05%7C02%7Csbutton%40lauralynn.ie%7C32d906f9562d4d74f94c08dde6e8e7a2%7C815437effc62426f8564fe532f812685%7C0%7C0%7C638920610192422802%7CUnknown%7CTWFpbGZsb3d8eyJFbXB0eU1hcGkiOnRydWUsIlYiOiIwLjAuMDAwMCIsIlAiOiJXaW4zMiIsIkFOIjoiTWFpbCIsIldUIjoyfQ%3D%3D%7C0%7C%7C%7C&amp;sdata=NGVJXGLHcIfmLldxqPwhlu980d07Ett5m4sZB2xW99g%3D&amp;reserved=0"><span style="color:hsl(0,0%,0%)">www.lauralynn.ie/family-bereavement-course</span></a></p>

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Honouring your Child’s Memory: Finding Ways to Remember

<h3>Resilience in the Face of Tragedy</h3><p><br />One of the most striking outcomes when a farm family loses a loved one unexpectedly is the resilience and adaptability they show to survive the immense grief. This is evident both in how roles within the family shift and how the farm itself evolves to support the family’s new reality.</p><p>In many of the cases Embrace FARM has supported, it is a widow left behind after losing her husband or partner in a fatal farm tragedy. Often, there are children in the household, ranging from unborn babies to young adults. From the mother’s perspective, adapting how the family moves forward becomes a priority, and the farm business often adjusts to reflect this.</p><h3>Adapting the Farm to Support the Family</h3><p><br />Several factors influence how families adapt after a death: the age of the children, the type of farm enterprise, and the family’s financial situation. These considerations shape decisions that unfold across short, medium, and long-term timeframes.</p><p>For example:</p><ul><li>A young widow with small children on a productive dairy farm may switch to once-a-day milking to balance childcare and farm responsibilities</li><li>A widow with teenage or college-aged children may lease out the farm temporarily, allowing time for one of the children to decide whether to take on the business in the future</li></ul><h3>Protecting Children from Pressure</h3><p><br />In all these cases, what remains strongest is the resilience of the mother and her children. No decision is taken lightly, and there is no pressure placed on children to “take over” too early or “step into daddy’s shoes.” The focus is on healing, adapting, and making thoughtful choices that support the family’s wellbeing.</p><h3>Grief and Growth: A Shared Journey</h3><p><br />What remains steadfast is how the farm family and the farm business change fluidly with one another through grief. Growth can emerge from this journey. The path families take with Embrace FARM is a long-term commitment to emotional, mental, and practical support. We walk alongside families as they navigate life after a devastating loss.</p><h3>Support Is Available</h3><p><br />If you are part of a farm family and find yourself in the aftermath of a serious injury or sudden death, whether due to a farm accident or otherwise, Embrace FARM offers both practical and emotional support.</p><p><strong>Visit:</strong> <a href="https://embracefarm.com/how-we-can-help/">embracefarm.com/how-we-can-help</a></p><p><strong>Email:</strong> <a href="mailto:info@embracefarm.com">info@embracefarm.com</a></p><p><strong>Call:</strong> 057-8510555</p>

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From Grief to Advocacy: How Farm Families Are Creating Change

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Topic: Bereavement