When Grief Triggers Anxiety: Navigating the Body’s Response

You know the feeling of having a good day, everything is fine, nothing out of the ordinary, and your body begins to trust, just for a moment, that it’s okay to slide out of fight-or-flight mode. That it’s okay to let your soul settle with a warm cup of tea or a slow, gentle walk.

And then, just as you begin to allow yourself the confidence to step into a space of trust—boom—the gut punch.

Your stomach drops and your mind lights up like a thousand fireflies, electrifying every single neural pathway, exploding into a chaotic frenzy of thoughts:

“But what if?”
“Stay alert.”
“You can’t be happy.”
“Don’t let your guard down.”
“Hurry up.”
“Hurry up.”
“Hurrryyyy uppp!”

When the Mind Spirals

As I write this today, my three young children have scurried across the field to see their granny and grandad. I watched them go through the field, climb over the wall onto the driveway, and turn the corner to go inside the house. I was happy, knowing they were safe.

Then suddenly, a wave of panic came over me—a surge of danger taking over my senses. All the what ifs darting through my vision and mind. I didn’t physically see them walk in the door.
What if there was a tractor that didn’t see them in the driveway?
What if a tree fell down in the wind?
What if the door to Granny’s is locked and they decide to wander around the fields?

All of these scenarios crept into my body, heightening my senses and triggering my deep-seated fear:

“Someone else that I love is going to die.”

The Need to Know

So what did I do? I rang their granny. I had to check. I had to know. I tried to wait 15 minutes, but my thoughts gripped me and a distressed state of consciousness set in.

It has been, and continues to be, a work in progress to differentiate between reality and thought.

The Body Believes the Thought

Have you ever noticed that when you think a certain thought, your body responds as if it’s happening in that moment?

This has been proven by science.

Our bodies do not know how to separate reality from perceived reality.

For example:
If I imagine a lemon in my hand—look at it, hold it, smell it, and then take a bite—my body reacts as if I’m biting into a sour lemon. As you read this, do you notice your mouth has more saliva? There’s no lemon in your hand, but your body believes there is.

This is the same for anxious thoughts.

When an anxious thought appears, our body believes it to be true.
99% of the time, it is not true.

What Can We Do?

So what can we do to support ourselves in moments of anxiety or overwhelm, when fear creeps into our cells?

We notice it.

Yes, it sounds simple for such an active, stimulated state—but it really does start there.
We have to begin to stop and truly notice what is going on for us in that moment.

So many of us are on autopilot, stuck in a heightened state of nervousness due to bereavement. It becomes a way of life. In a way, it feels safe—because the perception is that we have control by trying to manage the situation. But in reality, our thoughts and lack of awareness are in the driving seat.

Bringing Yourself Back

• We begin by bringing our attention to our thoughts.
• Notice them.
• Remind yourself, and your body, that this is not happening right now.
• That this is not true.
• That right now, I am safe.

Bring it back to the present moment.
Then we can empower ourselves to take back our own authority.

For example:
Right now I am safe.
Right now my hands are typing on my laptop.
Right now there is warmth in my mouth from my ginger tea.
Right now the rain is bouncing off the window.
Right now my feet are in fluffy socks.
Right now I am in my house.
Right now I am safe.

As you read that paragraph, could you see where I was and what my senses were experiencing?

This is the power of imagination.

It can bring us to terrifying, anxious places—and it can also bring us to warm, tender, soft, and nurturing places.

You Have the Power to Choose

You have the choice.
Take your power back.
Start with noticing.

Remind your body that you are safe in this very moment.
These are just thoughts trying to keep you secure and in control.
They have served you well until now—and now it’s time to let them go.

Try reminding yourself:

“Yes, [insert your name], of course this is how you are trying to make sense of the world. Of course this is absolutely understandable. You have been through so much. Of course this is how you would be trying to protect yourself.”

Remember Your Compassionate Voice

A lovely, easy way to bring yourself out of anxious thoughts and back into the room is to use the five senses. Try it now:

• 5 things you can see
• 4 things you can touch
• 3 things you can hear
• 2 things you can smell
• 1 thing you can taste

Rewiring Takes Time

Remember: your brain does not know how to distinguish reality from perceived reality.
This takes time to rewire and practice—but the more you do it, the more naturally it will come.