Supporting a Family After the Loss of a Child

By Aidan McKiernan, Principal Specialist Clinical Psychologist, LauraLynn, Ireland’s Children’s Hospice.

If you are an extended family member, friend, or part of the community, it is normal to feel a mix of sadness, helplessness, and even fear when a child dies (fear because a child dying can make us feel like the world is an unsafe place). A child dying may also trigger your own experience of loss. Approaching these moments with self-compassion and self-awareness can help you to be more present and helpful.

Grief following the death of a child is unlike other losses: it is untimely and unjust. Your role is not to fix the grief, but to walk alongside it—respecting that the family’s needs will change over time. Follow their lead. If they wish to talk about their child, listen kindly and patiently. If they do not, respect their boundaries without judgment. Their right to speak or remain silent must always be honoured.

One of the most valuable things you can do is simply let them know that you are thinking of them, and perhaps that you are available if they wish to talk or need support. A short message—“I’m thinking of you”—can be far more meaningful (and helpful) than searching for the “right” words. 

Avoid statements that reframe the death as something positive or that suggest you understand their experience (even if you have also lost a child) and be cautious with religious framing unless you are certain it aligns with the family’s beliefs.

Practical gestures are often more helpful than talking. Certainly, in the early weeks and months, dropping off meals, refreshments, or groceries will ease some immediate burdens. Offering help with certain household chores, caring for pets, or providing transport for siblings shows tangible care without requiring the family to host or entertain you.

Be mindful not to create situations where the family feels they must comfort you because you are deeply upset. Your grief for the child may be significant, but this is a time to prioritise their emotional space. Seek your own support elsewhere so you can remain steady and compassionate.

Over time, remembrance can be meaningful. Marking anniversaries—such as the child’s birthday or the date of their death—with a short message like, “You and [child’s name] are in my thoughts today,” affirms that they are remembered without placing demands on the family.

Supporting a grieving family is not about perfect words but about consistent, compassionate presence. Follow their lead, respect boundaries, avoid platitudes, and show care through words and actions. Your patient reliability will be a great comfort as they navigate a loss that will forever shape their lives.