How to Support a Bereaved Parent at Work

Breffni Mc Guinness, Bereavement Coordinator, LauraLynn, Ireland’s Children’s Hospice.

The death of a child is one of the most difficult deaths that anyone may have to face. If it is one of our colleagues who has experienced this tragedy we can sometimes be at a loss to know how to support them.

While there is no easy quick fix for grief, especially when it is a child who has died, there are things that we can do as managers and colleagues and that can make a difference to the person who is grieving.

Bereavement First Aid

There are three practical steps that we call Bereavement First Aid which can really help.  These are: Acknowledge, Validate and Support or AVS.

Acknowledge

It is important to acknowledge what has happened and to mention the child’s name  

E.g. “Mary, I am so sorry to hear about James”, 

Validate

Validate the experience and feelings of the person who is grieving.  A colleague who is bereaved may say that they are sad, devastated, angry, broken, in bits etc. it is important to validate these feelings by saying something like:

E.g.  “It is totally understandable you are feeling like that given what has happened”

Support

Offer support to your colleague who is grieving.  It is really helpful to check with the person about what might be most helpful for them.

E.g. “I would really like to support you, what would be most helpful for you now?”

Along with bereavement first aid, there are also some other things that can be helpful and some that are not so helpful.

What is helpful:

Reach out, be yourself and don’t worry about being perfect. We may feel a bit uncomfortable reaching out to a colleague who is bereaved – this is normal – but it is important not to let this stop us.  The most important thing is to take the risk to engage with your colleague. 

Listen. Very often it’s hard to know what you can do for a colleague who is grieving, but one thing that really makes a difference is making time to listen to them. Just offer to chat if the person wants to - if they don’t no problem – at least they know that you care enough to check with them. If they do want to chat – just listen – and then listen a bit more.

Your support will be required not just in the initial weeks and months but over a longer period. It takes a minimum of three years for someone to come to terms with the major aspects of the death of their child. For your colleague who is grieving, they will need your support during this time and beyond. 

What isn’t helpful: 

Avoiding your bereaved colleague and acting as if nothing has happened – something has happened, and it is better to be open about this. 

Minimising their loss – phrases such as ‘at least you have two more children’ or ‘you can have another child’ (yes – these things have been said) do not help the person who is grieving. If you are not sure what to say – say nothing.

Making a fuss – most people who are bereaved want to be treated as normally as possible at work and do not want to stand out. Be sensitive and respect their wishes. 

Expecting the person to be back to normal – people never go ‘back to normal’ because normal included their child who has died. In time they adapt to a ‘new normal’.

For Managers

If you are a manager, you have an important role to play in helping a person who is grieving the death of their child.  Communication is really important – contact the employee and ask how you can be a support to them – especially in relation to your organisation’s bereavement policy, flexibility in work arrangements, their entitlements, etc.   It is important to strike a balance between allowing the colleague who is bereaved to continue to contribute (their work may be very important to them) while also not putting them under undue pressure.

Final Note

The death of a child is one of the hardest losses that an employee may have to face.  As a manager or a colleague, you can make a real difference to your bereaved colleague by reaching out with compassion and a listening ear. The three steps of Bereavement First Aid – Acknowledging, Validating and Supporting provide a simple roadmap for how you can do this. Above all, be brave, reach out and listen to your bereaved colleague rather than avoid them.  Care and compassion will go a long way. 

Here is a free resource from LauraLynn:

For those supporting a family with a child with a life-limiting illness:  Learn how grief can affect families and how to communicate effectively with them