Honouring your Child’s Memory: Finding Ways to Remember

Breffni Mc Guinness, Bereavement Coordinator, LauraLynn, Ireland’s Children’s Hospice.

If you are a parent who is reading this article and you have recently lost your child, my sincere sympathies to you and your family at this time.  This is an unimaginably difficult time for you and those close to you. 

No one can know the pain of loss that you are experiencing, and each person has to find their own way through their grief.  However, there are parents who have travelled this road before you and who are living proof that you can, and will, come through this.  It will though, take time and it is really important to be kind and patient with yourself as best you can. 

We know from grief theories that remembering is really important.  When we think of it – the word remember is made up of two parts “re” and “member”. Remembering your child is about making them a member again of your family in a new way.  They are no longer physically present, but they are still very much part of your family. By consciously making an effort to remember them, you will weave them into the fabric of your family life in a new way.  This will also be an important part of helping you cope with your grief.

What follows are some suggestions that, with time, may be of help to you on your unique journey of grief. Some may sit well with you, and others not, – please just choose whatever is helpful for you.

What are some of the ways and rituals that might be helpful in remembering your child?

Pictures in a prominent place in the house

Some people find that having a particular picture of their child displayed in a prominent place in the house – provides a way for everyone to connect in an informal and easy way with the child who has died.

Remembering birthdays and significant dates

Creating new traditions within your family to remember the birthday of your child who has died is a lovely way of keeping their memory part of the ongoing narrative of your family.  These can include:

• Lighting a candle at a mealtime on the day
• Going to a special place that was significant for you or your child e.g. the sea, or a favourite park
• Doing something together as a family on that day – e.g. going for a meal, a walk etc in memory of your child
• Visiting their grave 
• Listening to music that reminds you of your child or that they liked

More regular rituals

Some people find comfort in rituals that they do regularly as ways of connecting with their child. This will be as individual as your child was, and as you are. These can include:

• Saying hello to your child when you wake up or start your day
• Visiting places that are significant for you and remind you of your child.
• For those with religious beliefs – praying to their child can also be comforting.

Creating a more permanent reminder in your home or garden

These can include:

• A new tree or bush that is planted in their memory
• Creating a special seat in the house or the garden
• Creating a new feature in your home which is in memory of your child e.g. a pond.

In all of these suggestions the key thing to keep an eye on is what works for you and your family.  Take your time in looking at what ways you might choose.  Talk to other members of your family about how they would like to remember your child. Allow that this will be bittersweet – remembering can be healing but it can also be painful.  Be conscious of where you and others are at in your grief journeys, and that what might work for you may not work for someone else.

Final Thought

Coping with the death of your child is one of the hardest things that anyone may have to do.  Creating ways to remember your child can help you and others to begin healing. Starting new rituals to remember your child, whether on dates that are significant, or something that you do more regularly can help you to adjust and cope with your grief. This is a long journey and there will be ups and downs.  Though it may not seem like it now, you will come through this.  Finding ways to remember your child is an important part of finding your way.

Here is a free resource from LauraLynn to support you or someone you care about: 

For parents and families: www.lauralynn.ie/family-bereavement-course