Bereaved by Suicide: Understanding Your Grief, Your Way

Grief Is Personal

How you grieve, and the emotions you may experience when someone dies by suicide, are unique to you – just as individual as your fingerprint. Each person is affected in their own way because everyone is different, even within the same family. You had your own relationship with the person who died, your own experiences with loss, and your own way of expressing emotions.

How Are You Feeling?

People often ask ‘how are you feeling?’ and this can sometimes be impossible to answer. When someone dies suddenly, you can be left with an overwhelming array of feelings and thoughts. The following are just some of the feelings and thoughts you might be experiencing. You might experience some of these more than others, or they might come and go over time. Others, you might not experience at all, and that’s ok too.

• Sadness
• Numbness
• Anger
• Defensiveness
• Depression and anxiety
• Despair and suicidal thoughts
• Disbelief
• Fear
• Regret
• Feeling stigmatised or judged by others
• A sense of longing
• Rejection
• Shock
• Searching
• Relief
• Acceptance

The Depth of Grief

The depth of feeling associated with suicide loss can affect all aspects of your being: mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. In just a short period of time, you can use up your energy and feel overwhelmed and exhausted, and the intensity of some feelings might feel overwhelming at times. You can expect some physical reactions to your grief, e.g., headaches, loss of appetite, and inability to sleep. Your GP can give you advice about coping with these reactions, if needed.

Nurturing Yourself Through Grief

It is really important to nurture yourself on your grief journey. Here are some things to remember:

• Know you can survive. You may not think so but you can.
• You might struggle with “why” it happened, until you no longer need to know “why” or until you are satisfied with some, or no answers. Wear out your questions, anger, guilt, or other feelings until you can let them go. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting.
• Be aware you may feel inappropriate anger at the person, at the world, at God, at yourself. It’s okay to express this anger safely.
• Accept that you may feel guilty for what you think you did, or did not do.
• Know that having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on these thoughts. However, seek help if you have frequent suicidal thoughts or if you are thinking of acting on them. Talk to your GP anytime, or to the Emergency Department of your nearest hospital if you feel at risk of harm.
• Take one moment or one day at a time.
• Find a good listener with whom to share.
• Don’t be afraid to cry. Tears are healing.
• Try to put off major decisions.
• Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand.
• Know that you will never be the same again, but find hope – that you can survive and even go beyond just surviving.
• Be kind and gentle with yourself.

This article is adapted from You Are Not Alone, the national suicide bereavement support guide.

For more information from the HSE on bereavement, loss and suicide bereavement, visit www.hse.ie/grief.

From the HSE National Office for Suicide Prevention.