<p>When someone dies, a surreal fog often settles in. Yet suddenly, there are dozens of people to notify, decisions to make, and details to manage. It can feel like time stops and speeds up all at once.</p><p>This guide outlines who needs to be informed—both before and after the funeral—and how to manage it without burning out.</p><h3>1. Start with the Closest Circle</h3><p>Begin by calling or speaking in person with immediate family and close friends. From there, delegate where possible. Ask a sibling to tell cousins, a friend to update mutual groups, or a neighbour to spread the word locally. Keep it simple.</p><h3>2. Check for Any Funeral Wishes</h3><p>Before finalising arrangements, check if the person left specific instructions. These might be with a solicitor, a funeral home, or tucked away in a bedside drawer, envelope, or will. You may also find messages on their phone, notes in a notebook, or informal letters to family. These can be incredibly helpful and reassuring when making early decisions.</p><h3>3. Contact the Funeral Director</h3><p>Once the death is confirmed by a GP or hospital, the funeral director becomes your next point of contact. They’ll handle immediate arrangements—transport, care, timing, legal paperwork—and can also arrange for the RIP.ie death notice to go live, if relevant. A good funeral director will gently guide you through the process and help ease the burden.</p><h3>4. Inform the Wider Community</h3><p>This includes extended family, friends, neighbours, and anyone who may want to pay their respects. Think about the people your loved one spoke to regularly: walking groups, book clubs, golf buddies, choir friends, sports teams. A short message in a WhatsApp group often works well. If the person was well-known locally, a public notice or Facebook post might be more appropriate.</p><h3>5. Contact Employers and Schools</h3><p>If the person was working, notify their employer or HR department to begin any necessary processes and ensure any company-wide notice is respectful and accurate. If children are involved, let their school or childcare provider know so they can offer support. If you’re grieving, it’s also okay to keep your own workplace informed—even if you don’t have the words yet.</p><h3>6. Notify the Parish or Celebrant</h3><p>If the funeral will include a religious or spiritual element, contact the relevant priest, celebrant, or officiant early. Their availability may influence the date and format of the ceremony. Your funeral director can assist with this. If the officiant didn’t know your loved one well, they may ask for a few words or anecdotes—take your time gathering them.</p><h3>7. After the Funeral: Banks, Benefits and Beyond</h3><p>Once the funeral is over, a second wave of notifications begins. It’s okay to do this gradually. Keep a notebook or checklist so nothing slips through the cracks. Typical contacts include:</p><ul><li>Banks and credit unions</li><li>Revenue and Department of Social Protection</li><li>Utility companies (electricity, gas, broadband, etc.)</li><li>Insurance providers (home, car, health, life, travel)</li><li>Loan and mortgage companies</li><li>Subscriptions and memberships</li><li>Pharmacy and GP</li><li>Landlords or tenants (if relevant)</li><li>Credit card companies</li><li>Pension or private retirement schemes</li></ul><p>Some may request a death certificate or will, but many accept an email to start the process.</p><h3>8. Digital Presence</h3><p>It’s increasingly common to memorialise or delete social media accounts. Some families keep a Facebook page active for memories, while others prefer to close it quickly. Check their phone and inbox for any online services or platforms they used—Amazon, Spotify, cloud storage, and more.</p><h3>9. Keep a Record</h3><p>Create a simple spreadsheet or jot things down in a notebook. Note who you’ve told, who’s yet to hear, and what actions still need follow-up. It helps you stay organised and avoids the awkwardness of someone finding out later than you'd have liked.</p><h3>10. Don’t Try to Do It All at Once</h3><p>This isn’t a race. Take it step by step, ask for help, and remember there’s no ‘perfect’ way to do this. Some notifications will fall through the cracks—and that’s okay. You’re doing your best.</p><p>You won’t remember everyone straight away, and that’s okay too. Start with the essentials and work through it bit by bit. People understand. The most important thing is to look after yourself and your loved ones.</p>

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Who Do I Need to Tell When Someone Dies?

<p>When someone we love is grieving, most of us feel a bit helpless. Do you call? Do you show up? What do you say?</p><p>The truth is, you don’t need perfect words — you just need to show up. Grief is overwhelming, and your quiet presence can mean more than you realise.</p><p>Here’s how to genuinely support someone going through loss:</p><h3>1. Reach Out — Even If You Don’t Know What to Say</h3><p>Silence can feel like absence. A simple message like:</p><blockquote><p>“There are no words. I’m thinking of you. No need to reply.”</p></blockquote><p>...can be a lifeline. You don’t have to fix anything. Just show up.</p><h3>2. Be Led by Them</h3><p>Some want to talk. Others don’t. Some want distraction. Some want space. Follow their lead.</p><p>And if they go quiet, don’t take it personally. Keep the door gently open.</p><h3>3. Offer Specific Help — Don’t Ask, Just Do</h3><p>Grief makes it hard to know what to ask for. Instead of saying, <i>“Let me know if you need anything,”</i> try:</p><ul><li>“I’ll drop dinner on Wednesday.”</li><li>“I’m free Saturday if you’d like company.”</li><li>“Picked up a few essentials — left them on your step.”</li></ul><p>Think beyond the basics, too. Do they need help with their outfit for the service? Want to practise their speech or eulogy? Unsure what to do at home afterward?</p><p>Offer to help clean, organise candles, arrange food, or just be there while they talk it through. These gestures aren’t small — they’re everything.</p><h3>4. Check In Weeks and Months Later</h3><p>Support often floods in during the first few days, then disappears. But grief doesn’t work like that.</p><p>Mark your calendar to check in a month later, and again on birthdays or anniversaries. That’s when it can feel loneliest.</p><h3>5. Don’t Rush Them — or Sugar-Coat It</h3><p>Grief doesn’t come with a timeline. They don’t need to feel better by a certain point or “move on” gracefully.</p><p>Sometimes, the kindest thing you can say is:</p><blockquote><p>“It’s okay not to be okay.”</p></blockquote><p>One friend told me, </p><blockquote><p><i>“Everyone kept saying time would heal — I just wanted someone to say it was shit.”</i> </p></blockquote><p>And honestly, sometimes it just is.</p><p>Being real — and being there — is enough.</p><h3>The Kind of Support That Sticks</h3><p>You don’t need grand gestures. A cup of tea, a kind message, your quiet company, and a bit of realness — that’s the kind of support that sticks.</p>

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How to Support a Friend Who’s Grieving

<p>When someone dies, even the smallest decisions can feel overwhelming. Figuring out what to wear to the funeral is one of them. While tradition still holds in many places—especially in Ireland—funeral attire has evolved. It’s no longer just about black suits and veils. It’s about respect, thoughtfulness, and a quiet nod to the person you’re honouring.</p><p>Here’s what to consider when choosing what to wear to a funeral.</p><h3>Think Understated and Respectful</h3><p>Black is always a safe choice, but it’s not compulsory. Charcoal, navy, dark green, burgundy, or neutral tones are equally appropriate. Avoid bright patterns or bold fashion statements unless the family has asked for something specific.</p><h3>Consider Your Relationship to the Family</h3><p>There’s no one-size-fits-all approach. If you're part of the immediate family or a close friend, you may choose to reflect the personality of the person who has passed—wearing colour, sparkle, or something they loved.</p><p>But if you’re an acquaintance or work colleague, it’s best to err on the side of tradition unless the family has made a specific request.</p><h3>Be Led by the Family</h3><p>Many families aim to honour their loved one’s memory in a meaningful way. Some may ask guests to wear colour, something joyful, or even team colours. If that’s the tone they’re setting, go with it. If not, aim for understated and thoughtful.</p><h3>Dress for the Setting</h3><p>Church, crematorium, hotel, garden, or graveside—each comes with its own considerations. For outdoor services, think warm layers, waterproofs, and shoes that won’t sink in wet grass. If the service is religious or formal, lean into that when choosing your outfit.</p><h3>You Don’t Have to Be Fashionable—But You Can Still Feel Like Yourself</h3><p>A simple dress, tailored trousers, a smart coat or blazer. Clean, polished, and understated is the way to go. Avoid anything overly casual, loud, revealing, or distressed. Looking put together is a quiet show of care.</p><h3>What About Children?</h3><p>If you’re bringing little ones, dress them in smart, comfortable clothes. Nothing too formal or black is needed. Muted colours and simple outfits work well.</p><p>That said, it’s worth considering whether young children need to be there at all. Unless they’re part of the immediate family, or you’ve no alternative, it’s often more respectful—and less stressful for you—to leave them at home.</p><h3>Zoë’s Note</h3><p>There’s no dress code set in stone. Just focus on being respectful, present, and guided by the tone the family has set. If you're there, you're doing the right thing—and that's what really matters.</p>

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What to Wear to a Funeral (and What Not To)

<p>Deciding what to do with a loved one’s ashes is deeply personal, and there’s no need to rush. Some families make a decision straight away, while others wait for an anniversary, a moment of clarity, or simply the headspace to reflect. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but here are seven meaningful ideas to consider.</p><h3>1. Keep Them Close at Home</h3><p>Many families choose to keep ashes in an urn somewhere personal—on the mantelpiece, a shelf, a windowsill, or tucked away quietly. Today’s urns can be beautifully discreet or a striking interior feature, with designs in wood, glass, ceramic, or stone. It’s not morbid; it’s often deeply comforting.</p><h3>2. Scatter Them Somewhere Meaningful</h3><p>From a favourite beach to the back garden, scattering ashes in a place your loved one cherished can be incredibly moving. It also creates a space you can revisit, knowing they are there. Just consider the practicalities: check permissions and decide whether you want to do it privately or with others.</p><h3>3. Share Them With Family</h3><p>Ashes can be shared between households, especially in blended or close-knit families. Keepsake urns or memorial jewellery allow multiple people to feel connected and included in the remembrance.</p><h3>4. Plant Them With a Tree or in a Garden</h3><p>Nature lovers might appreciate a living tribute. Biodegradable urns are available, or you can scatter ashes beneath a new tree or a favourite rose bush. It becomes a legacy you can visit for years to come.</p><h3>5. Create a Memorial Keepsake</h3><p>Ashes can be transformed into jewellery, glass art, vinyl records, or even paintings. Some keepsakes are beautiful and symbolic; others are more trend-led. Choose what feels meaningful to you—not just what’s fashionable.</p><h3>6. Place Them in a Columbarium or Grave</h3><p>Cemeteries often offer wall niches or smaller plots for ashes. Some families choose to add ashes to an existing grave. These options create a defined place to visit and reflect, which can be especially comforting for those who value tradition.</p><h3>7. Wait Until the Time Feels Right</h3><p>Many people keep ashes for months or even years—until a birthday, anniversary, or simply when it feels right. Grief has no expiry date. Take your time.</p><p><strong>Zoë’s Note</strong></p><p>Whatever you choose, make sure it feels right for you and your family. If you’re unsure, I’m always here to help talk it through.</p>

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7 Thoughtful Things to Do With Ashes

<p>Estimating how many people will attend a funeral or wake is one of the trickiest parts of planning. You might second-guess everything, from how well-known the person was, to how far people will travel, or whether a weekday funeral will impact turnout.</p><p>While you’ll never get an exact number, here are a few key factors to help guide your thinking. These tips will help you plan for food, space, and a smooth flow to the day.</p><h3>1. Age, Life Stage, and Social Connections</h3><p>An older person who’s outlived many friends may draw a smaller crowd than someone younger or recently retired. However, those involved in clubs, sports, or community groups often have multiple social circles—and they add up quickly.</p><h3>2. Size of the Family</h3><p>A large family means a bigger guest list before you even consider friends. In-laws, cousins, adult children’s partners, and their families can quickly increase numbers.</p><h3>3. How Well-Known Were They and How Public Was the Passing?</h3><p>If the deceased or their immediate family are well connected, expect a larger turnout. People often attend to support the bereaved as much as to honour the person who died. A widely shared death notice can also increase attendance.</p><h3>4. Cultural Expectations and Traditions</h3><p>In some families, especially in rural Ireland, a wake is non-negotiable, and entire communities turn up. In others, funerals are more private. When in doubt, ask someone close who understands the wider social expectations.</p><h3>5. Venue, Time, and Location</h3><p>A city-centre service at rush hour might put some people off. A weekday funeral may limit attendance slightly, while a weekend or evening wake makes it easier for others to attend. Location always plays a role.</p><h3>Still Unsure? Round Up</h3><p>It’s far better to have extra chairs and too many sandwiches than guests standing in the hall or nothing left to offer. If space is tight, staggered attendance can work—especially at home.</p><p><span style="font-family:&quot;Aptos&quot;,sans-serif;font-size:12.0pt">You won’t guess it perfectly, no one does, but with some thought and the right support, you can plan with confidence and kindness.</span></p>

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How to Estimate Guest Numbers at a Funeral or Wake

<p>When someone you love dies, planning a wake can feel like one more impossible task. Did they want a wake? Should it be an open or closed casket? Will it be at home or in the funeral home?</p><p>It’s worth remembering that you don’t have to have a wake at all. But if you do, it doesn’t need to be perfect. It just needs to feel personal, comforting, and manageable.</p><p>Here are five common mistakes to gently sidestep.</p><h3>1. Trying to Do It All Yourself</h3><p>You need space to grieve, not to stress about chairs, catering, and whether the kettle’s boiled. Accept help, even if you don’t yet know what you need. Draft in friends, lean on your funeral director, or ask someone to coordinate the house or venue so you can simply be present.</p><h3>2. Misjudging the Space</h3><p>Count likely visitors, even though <a href="https://rip.ie/grief-and-bereavement-support/how-to-estimate-guest-numbers-at-a-funeral-or-wake-208">gauging numbers is one of the hardest things to do</a>. If the crowd is mostly older, make sure there’s enough seating.</p><p>If there’s a casket, it should be placed at an angle, giving guests the option to approach and pay their respects or not, without pressure. Avoid placing it in a way that causes bottlenecks; guests should be able to move easily in and out of the space.</p><h3>3. Under- or Over-Catering</h3><p>Wakes are long, emotional days. Guests will need something, but the family often forgets to eat at all.</p><p>Provide simple food for visitors, but also plan a proper meal for the immediate family that can be heated once the house is quiet. It’s a small gesture that makes a big difference.</p><h3>4. Letting the Atmosphere Go Unshaped</h3><p>The best wakes strike a balance; respectful, but not somber. Choose music you know they’d have loved, not what feels “funeral-ish.” Create warmth with a few candles, photos, or flowers. It doesn’t have to be fussy. It just needs to feel like them.</p><h3>5. Skipping the Practical Bits</h3><p>Bins, loo roll, signage, pets underfoot, coat racks — tiny things, but they’ll catch you out. Walk through the day in your head. What will people need? What will you need?</p><p>A short checklist on the fridge can save a lot of fluster. Also, don’t forget to state a finish time. It doesn’t need to be rigid, but it gives people a sense of structure and gives you permission to start winding down when you need to.</p><p><i>You don’t have to host a flawless event. You just need to create a space where people feel looked after, loved, and close to the person they’re saying goodbye to.</i></p>

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5 Mistakes to Avoid When Planning a Wake

<p>Planning your own funeral might sound unusual, but it’s becoming more common — and for good reason. Many people are choosing to take control of their farewell, not out of morbidity, but to bring clarity, reduce stress for loved ones, and ensure the day reflects who they truly are.</p><p>Whether you go it alone, work with a funeral director, or use a dedicated service like mine, here’s how to start planning a meaningful, personal send-off.</p><h3>1. Decide on the Tone and Format</h3><p>Would you prefer a:</p><ul><li>Traditional religious funeral</li><li>Civil ceremony</li><li>Celebration of life</li></ul><p>Think about the setting: indoors or outdoors? Quiet and reflective, or full of music and stories? Once you’ve chosen the tone, the rest of the planning becomes easier.</p><h3>2. Consider the Practicalities</h3><p>Ask yourself:</p><ul><li>Do you want a wake?</li><li>Should it be held at home or in a venue?</li><li>Would you like an open casket?</li><li>Is there a specific funeral director you’d like involved?</li></ul><p>These decisions are incredibly helpful for your family to know in advance.</p><h3>3. Choose Locations for Each Part of the Day</h3><p>Think about where you’d like:</p><ul><li>The ceremony to take place (church, civil venue, etc.)</li><li>Your final resting place (burial or cremation)</li><li>The gathering afterwards (hotel, pub, home)</li></ul><p>Each element can be tailored to your preferences.</p><h3>4. Add Personal Touches</h3><p>This is where your personality can shine:</p><ul><li>Favourite songs, singers, or readings</li><li>A colour theme or dress code</li><li>Personal tributes or a more low-key approach</li></ul><p>These details make the service feel unmistakably “you.”</p><h3>5. Plan the Food and Format of the Gathering</h3><p>After the ceremony, what kind of gathering would you like?</p><ul><li>Tea and sandwiches</li><li>A pub lunch</li><li>A seated three-course meal</li><li>Canapés and champagne</li></ul><p>There’s no wrong answer — just what feels right for you.</p><h3>6. Document Your Wishes Clearly</h3><p>Don’t rely on memory or casual conversations. Write down your plan in a way that’s easy to find and understand:</p><ul><li>A formal document</li><li>A letter to your next of kin</li><li>A note held with your solicitor</li></ul><p>Most importantly, let your loved ones know you’ve made a plan — and where to find it.</p><h3>7. Consider Payment and Costs</h3><p>Would you like to:</p><ul><li>Pre-pay for any part of the funeral or gathering?</li><li>Set aside funds?</li><li>Leave it to your family to cover costs?</li></ul><p>If you’ve made financial arrangements (e.g. a funeral plan or savings), make sure the details are recorded and accessible. This helps avoid confusion and unexpected expenses.</p><h3>Final Thoughts</h3><p>Planning your own funeral is one of the kindest and most empowering things you can do — for yourself and the people you love. As I often say to my clients through <i>The Funeral Planner</i>, a beautiful, personal farewell isn’t just possible — it can be straightforward, stress-free, and even comforting to plan.</p>

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How to Plan Your Own Funeral

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